What Is Real

[madimpossibledreamer]

This really got meta accidentally. I’m sorry, Buffy. And it’s not a perfect solution or perfect conversation which is going to keep bothering me, but then, that’s the point. It’s part of why Vincent and the Doctor was one of the Moffat-run episodes that was genuinely so good. There’s no ‘this will never turn up again’, ‘this is solved’. It’ll come back when you least expect it and blindside you. It’s learning to be okay again.

Main Points:
Buffy/Devil May Cry
Chapter Summary: Buffy isn't dealing with some recent revelations, and Xander tries to offer helpful words of wisdom.
Word Count: 1233
Rating: Teen

 

         Buffy seems calm enough, leaning on the iron railing on her room’s balcony, but he still proceeds with caution. Sometimes, fighting can be cathartic. Sometimes, all you can see is the pain. It’s easy to confuse the two, and he doesn’t want to bring her more pain.
         “The worst part is, sometimes I don’t know if they’re right.” She speaks without preamble.
         The obvious question would be who, but he hates to be predictable. “About what?”
         Because, just like that, he startles her onto a different track of thought. “About all of this. About if I’m just staring at the wall in a straitjacket and none of this is happening.”
         He shrugs helplessly. “I wish I knew the magic words to make it all better, Buff. Except I don’t think they exist.”
         She manages a smile, which, success. Kinda. “I mean, either none of this is real, and magic isn’t real, or this is real, and magic still probably can’t make it better. Either way, you’re not the person I’d turn to.”
         He winces. The magic of his powers is so natural, but even a spell to light a candle had gone horribly wrong in his hands. Personally he thinks it’s something about the way he’s channeling his power into the spell, like hooking up a fire hose to a sink faucet and hoping that’ll work out somehow, but eh, he’s not going to argue when he almost accidentally set their home on fire. He puts a hand on her shoulder. Xander wants to be there for her, but he’s not sure what he can say. Other than, “…If you wanna talk about it, I’m here for you, but with the disclaimer I don’t have a degree of any kind.”
         She shakes her head. “You didn’t come to hear me whine.”
         He squeezes her shoulder. You’re not alone. “One, this isn’t whining. Two, it can totally wait. You’re my friend. You matter, and so do your problems.”
         “It feels like I have the choice between monster and mad, except that might even just be an illusion.” She lets out a deep breath. “That’s what scares me the most, I think. That none of this is my own choice.”
         She glances at him. “I know devils aren’t all evil. Some of them are huge dorks. But it still…it’s hard to get past, because we both have the bloodlust, play around in a fight just to watch them squirm.”
         Buffy turns her head away, probably to hide what looks like the beginnings of tears in her eyes. “I miss having a mom. I miss being normal and even going to school, which is a thing I never thought I’d say in my life. And it’s scary that I don’t miss them as much as I should, because having you around makes me feel normal. I want someone to tell me I’m fine, except that’s cheating, because that’s not something someone else can actually tell me.” She’s smiling when she turns to him, wrapping her arms around herself, but it’s not a real smile. “You can respond, you know.”
         “Okay, I have a lot of thoughts and probably none of them are helpful. First is that I’m willing to acquire you some ice cream or serve as punching bag or whatever, whenever. That one’s important. I don’t know that I’d say you’re normal, but there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not fine, and that’s okay. People are bothered by bothersome things. If I can help, just say something, okay? You’re not bothering me, or anything. I feel better when I can help people, so you’re actually helping me.” That’s small, but it’s a real smile, so that’s better than it was. “And because you’re asking me for my actual thoughts, I’m going to ramble and pretty much not make sense. It probably won’t help the whole existential crisis thing, but I vaguely remember something about some philosopher thinking nothing exists for anyone from Willow’s philosophy kick, so you could maybe check that out if you wanted. The Callahan library branch has a weird variety of books. As for the rest of it…” He sighs, matching her serious tone. “I think you still have a choice. Just…it’s a slightly different choice depending on what’s going on, and you’ll probably never know all the factors or consequences. It feels weird quoting the Shadows this much, but. ‘What do you want?’ It’s the outcome that matters, that and how you get there. And I think ‘who are you’ matters less than ‘who do you want to be’, sorry Vorlons. It’s not easy, but that’s life, and yeah, that part is normal.”
         Buffy lets out a breath like she’d been holding it. She probably had been. “Well, right now I want to be the person who’s here for her friends. What did you want to tell me?”
         “Apparently there’s a carnival in town, and Giles of all people wants to check it out.” She grabs his arm and starts pulling him downstairs.
         “I think the last time I was at a carnival I was…what, five?” She dims a little, and yeah, it makes sense. She’s acting bubbly to be bubbly, faking it until she makes it. It’s a valid strategy. “I bet I can beat more of the games than you.”
         “You’re on,” he responds with a toothy grin. He waves at Giles, who’s on the phone, as they pass. Willow’s nowhere to be seen, but given that she’d been in her pajamas earlier she’s probably changing. He’s perfectly fine with the Star Trek shirt and fingerless gloves and navy trenchcoat, but then, he aggressively doesn’t care what the public thinks about his fashion choices, which is quite possibly a side effect of the whole ‘blending demon’ thing, and she should definitely wear whatever she’s comfortable in.
         He’s gone as weapon-free as he’s comfortable with, which pretty much comes down to Kalvul. Again. He’d take Kryvi, but the point is not to give himself another headache trying to fly undercover. The less he’s got to hide, the better.
         Buffy definitely looks a little confused at the newest acquisition, though. “…You don’t need a helmet,” she points out, confused, and Xander snorts.
         “Nope, but I figured ‘not broke’ is a better state than ‘healed’ for your peace of mind, and other people do need it. I’d rather be a good role model. Just took a little while to find one that fit my head.” He taps at his skull, and that makes her laugh, even a little. He can play the fool if that’s what she needs.
         “…It’s different again, isn’t it?” It’s a bit of an ongoing joke, but she’s not wrong.
         “Still going for that image in my head, even if it’s never going to get there.” He’d been surprised to find out Gabriel and Thalia had actually met riding their bikes down the same stretch of road and that Thalia loved to tinker with her own bike, which simultaneously brings out either the best or the worst in him, but hey, it’s more fun with friends.
         “Well, keep that ‘not broke’ philosophy in your head. I’ll see you there.” He salutes, a proper one this time, as she steps back, and roars off, wind making his coat flap like wings. It’s not quite a substitute for flying, but in this form, it’s as close as he’s gonna get.