Living to Die

[madimpossibledreamer]

Main Points:
Yakuza, follow-up to Reconsidering Promises
Summary: Saejima and Majima finally meet.
Word Count: 935
Rating: Teen
Warnings: panic attack?  anything else doesn't really get more graphic than the title
Pairing: Majima/Kiryu (mutual crush not acted on if discussed)

         “Go ahead. Finish it. I ain’t about ta stop ya.” Goro bares his neck for Saejima, dropping the dagger, an invitation to kill, and Saejima—
         That stupid nursery rhyme and the way Goro moves like he’s had that eyepatch for years and the panicked look on the faces of the hardened yakuza as they tried to dive out of the way, as they died, all pass through Saejima’s mind. How he couldn’t kill a man for information to get here, broke down in front of a crowd bayin’ for blood. The anger, betrayal that had been fueling him this far, the thought of seeing this strange new Goro lifeless beneath his hands, which so far have only been good for causing pain.
         He comes to himself slowly, Goro alternating between very enthusiastic descriptions of flicks he’s seen since they talked last (but avoiding horror, even though it’s his favorite genre) and asking him to look around and describe the familiar old playground or to match his breathing. He doesn’t make Saejima feel like he’s keeping his oath brother waiting, just pauses long enough to check before continuing.
         With shame, Saejima realizes Goro’s moved him back from a pool of vomit. “That ain’t right,” he states thickly, throat still not right and still shaky, nodding in its direction in the hope Goro still knows how to talk with him.
         It almost makes him smile when Goro waves it off almost right away. “Eh, ain’t the first time. I’ve done the same, a time or two. I’ll just have a few of my boys clean up an’ give ‘em a little cash.” Almost, because it ain’t right to have someone else do it, even if he ain’t makin’ the poor employees suffer.
         “Goro—” he starts, trying to get up and feeling even more humiliated when he’s too weak.
         “Listen to a patriarch, now!” Goro cackles playfully, getting up and walking over to the old, familiar tanto, putting it away…somewhere. “Don’t mean you’re weak; ya an’ ol’ Kiryu-chan got somethin’ still. Marshmallows, sure, but I ain’t all too familiar with ol’ Goro or even Goromi these days. Mad Dog of Shimano, Majima, now there’s a familiar beast.” Through the much-improved faux accent, through the fake cheer, Goro can’t hide the undercurrent of sadness. Of longing. Not from Saejima.
         Seems with every word comin’ from his mouth, Saejima has ten more questions. The only thing he manages right now, though, is “Goro?”
         A dark, slightly broken look in Goro’s remaining eye as he finally, finally meets Saejima’s gaze, shakes his head. “Ya don’t wanna know, bro. I just know how it is, is all.”
         Goro will probably tell him eventually, and Saejima is pretty good at being patient. “So, what’s up with the little lady Sawamura-chan?” Saejima asks, and Majima outright cackles in delight.
         Suddenly, he can see them knowing each other, if not outright being friends. “Tell ya what, if her dad wouldn’t kick my ass an’ if she didn’t deserve better, I’d snatch her an’ Yasuko up fer m’ Family in a heartbeat. Little lady’s got the skills ta face down grown yakuza.”
         At some point they’ll talk about the hit, the missing eye, why Majima hadn’t met him, but suddenly that seems a lot less urgent. Instead, Goro rambles.
         Saejima watches the animated, fond way Goro talks about this Kiryu-chan fella, hands emphasizing every point with gusto. He remembers, maybe even more strongly than Goro, given the strange way time passes in prison, how Goro was when he’d gotten a crush on his oath brother, how nervous he was when he came out, the weird way he’d taken rejection pretty well, all things told, and how, later on, when he’d gotten comfortable again, how he’d gotten crass about the guys and the gals. No remarks about his ‘notable features’ here, nothin’.
         “So yer in deep,” he interrupts, and Goro—
         Goro is blushing. Saejima’s pretty sure he’s never seen Goro flush. Goromi, maybe, with the help of makeup, but never Goro on his own. He’d made a habit of trying to make Saejima blush, or scandalize him, but the other way around? Maybe Saejima’s forgotten things, but that seems so strange he’d remember something like that.
         “Ya met him; ya know. He’s my type.” Goro won’t meet his gaze again.
         “Ya sleep together or what?” he asks, because Goro’s been through some real depressing shit since then, and he deserves to be happy, and from what little Saejima got to see, this Kiryu-san seems like a pretty good guy.
         Goro snorts and shakes his head, staring into the distance with a soft smile at memories Saejima can’t see. “Was plannin’ m’ life around ya killin’ me. It’d break his heart.”
         Saejima’s heart aches. It’s so matter-of-fact, it’s clear whatever happened, it hadn’t been Goro’s choice. “What now, kyoudai?”
         Goro blinks, as if the question had never occurred to him. “Got no clue. Been plannin’ m’ funeral so long, got no idea of what ta do with an ‘after’.” Still matter-of-fact. Still unbothered by the thought of his death—because he thought he deserved it. “Though I got a clue where ta start. Way I figure it, the hit was a whole setup to begin with.”
         Getting to the heart of things, huh. The break had been nice, a reminder that no matter the changes Goro was still there, but in the end he’d broken out for revenge, only it turns out it ain’t against his oath brother like he thought. “What d’ya know, kyoudai?” he asks.
         And in the same serious tone, Goro begins his story.