Glaring Street Light

[madimpossibledreamer]

From what I’ve heard Japanese society doesn’t understand the difference between aro and ace because they think they’re always linked. This does not prevent one or the other from occurring on its own. It just makes it that much harder for ace people in Japan (who aren’t very well accepted to begin with, according to what I read).
I’m freely mixing canons, including the Animation. That being said, I’m using Souji because a) I like Souji as a first name more than Yu and since I’m not using last names (of which I like Narukami better) that’s what’s going to show up more and b) I headcanon Souji’s parents as absent but loving and Narukami’s as more abusive. (Also based on the differences in where they’re used I headcanon Narukami as slightly more heteronormative in both good and bad ways. I forgot how much worse the animation makes the camping trip than the game.)
Featuring: two clueless guys who don’t know about being aro, ace, demisexual, or possibly neurodivergent or trans, and a Yosuke who hasn’t realized he’s in love. Souji realizes and gets that the timing is completely off.
there might be hints of the brilliant game adventures with anxiety! though i'm not probably as good about presentation as that game.
Note: friends are not a substitute for a therapist, but they’re also clueless about mental health, so what’re you gonna do?

Main Points:
Persona 4 universe optional, optional follow up to on repeat
Chapter Summary: yosuke is possibly neurodivergent in this one. also possibly on the ace spectrum.  and with a larger dose of his usual anxiety/depression/self-hatred and possibly some pre-souji/yosuke.  also souji also has his own problems in this one.
Word Count: 2350
Rating: Teen
Warning: As the notes above indicate, Yosuke's mental health in this one is...not great.  He has anxiety and probably depression.  also discussion of theoretical pregnancy which might be a bit much right now, depending on where you're at.  Proceed at your own discretion, and please seek out resources if you need them!

        “You’ve gone too far this time,” Souji states, and Yosuke doesn’t even have to look to know that he’s got a disappointed look on his face.  “Usually, I give you the benefit of the doubt, but Yosuke, this has to stop.”
        Of course it gets this far.  Do the rest have their own Persona whispering poison in their ears, like it’s still a Shadow?  They don’t, probably, do they?  Because he’s the broken one, the disappointment, the one no one can stand.  It was only a matter of time until he hated you too.
        “I’m sorry.”  His words are small, pathetic.  He wants to drown in the music until he can’t hear the words anymore, but he doesn’t deserve that.  Doesn’t deserve to hide after what he’s done.  “I-if you want me off the team, I—”  He wants to beg, wants to say ‘I’ll do anything, please; I’ll stop talking, I’ll stop—just please, this is the only thing—’, but he doesn’t.  You don’t even deserve that.  “…I get it.”
        “Look at me,” his Partner—no, his Leader, he shouldn’t be using that title, not when you’re the furthest thing from an equal this guy’s got, commands, and no no no he doesn’t want to do that it’ll be too much and he’s not even sure if he’s crying like a loser but he has to obey.  Even if it’s too much, even if he can’t stand it, he deserves the lecture, he deserves to be told off, he deserves the hatred.  The reason he’s so pitifully happy when someone—Saki-senpai—was nice to him wasn’t that he thought she liked him.  Not like he liked her.  Of course he’s happy when someone gives him kindness he doesn’t deserve.  Who wouldn’t be?
        To his surprise, Souji looks…concerned?  Concerned and compassionate.  “Who said anything about taking you off the team?”
        Don’t burden him, don’t bother him with your shit, he’s got enough on his plate already.  You’ve noticed that.  Keep it together.  You’re at least good at that, aren’t you?  “I mean, I’m not oblivious.  I know I can be an asshole sometimes.”
        Souji comes over and sits down, not too close, as to not crowd him, and it’s nice because he’d been looming and it shouldn’t be because he’s not a freaking kid…  “What’s wrong?”
        “Dude, you were lecturing me about what I’ve done wrong, and you’re asking me that?”  What the hell?
        The guy pauses, thinking, and no you shouldn’t be wasting your time on this, man, what are you doing.  You’re too obvious.  “You could run your ideas past me.  You did say you were an ideas guy, right?”
        Yeah, except all I’ve got are ideas, and they all suck, apparently.  “I…”  Yosuke thinks about it.  Sure, it’d be embarrassing to have Souji hear all these stupid plans, but then, it’d be less humiliating than putting them into action and having everyone experience them.  Nothing would change, since Souji would be learning about all this stuff anyway, except the girls and whoever else wouldn’t have to put up with his bullshit.  “Actually, that’s not a bad idea yourself there.”  He swallows the Partner.  He has to go back to using it soon or he’ll be painfully obvious, the desperate attempt to claim something over the guy, but.  Not right now.  It’s too raw right now.
        His Leader pauses.  He doesn’t tend to be expressive, but he is right now.  He looks…nervous?  Uncertain?  “Something’s wrong,” he begins, and Yosuke’s stomach twists.  “I know you want to deal with it on your own, and I know…”  He pauses, his face twists, and then of all things he laughs.  “At least you had a Shadow who you could force to say all these things.  I don’t even get that luxury.  It shouldn’t be scary—I know you won’t judge me—but I can’t help it.”
        “Partner—”  He doesn’t even try to stop himself this time.  That—he’s not worth—Souji shouldn’t…
        “I…mentioned my parents move around a lot,” Souji begins, and yeah, he had, in passing.  “They’re not bad parents.  They care.  It’s not like they don’t love me—when they get the time they send me a bunch of messages, and if we even had the same apartment for more than two years they would’ve gotten me a cat long ago.  They’re worried about me fitting in, making friends, being lonely.  It’s just that work keeps them busy, too busy for even themselves, so the fact that they try to make time for me that they won’t even make for themselves is sweet, and they’d be miserable doing anything else.”
        That sounds like more effort than anyone’s ever put into you but of course it is, who would bother with garbage like you?
        “But I still…I still resent them sometimes,” he mutters, staring down at his hands that are curled into fists.  “They don’t deserve it, and it’s not fair, but I still hate it.  I can’t grow roots.  They’ll just be torn away as I’m replanted again and again and again.”  Damn that metaphor you are such a dork and you’re an asshole; choice of words or not this is some heavy shit you should be taking seriously if you were a good best friend.  Which you’re not, in case that wasn’t clear.  “I tried, back in elementary school, but it hurt so much every time I decided it’s easier just to read books and get good grades and barely talk to anyone.”
        “Dude, that’s not—”  The rest of the words die in his throat.  Because that smile is hollow and empty and terrifying.
        “It turns out that when I’m really trying, when I actually have friends, I…”  Another deep breath.  “I’m a meddling, nosy bastard.”
        “You’re not!” bursts from Yosuke’s mouth, desperate, and well, that’s one good thing he’s said today.
        Souji’s smile looks suddenly a lot more natural.  “I don’t need you to reject my ‘Shadow’ for me, Yosuke.”
        Instantly, the brunet shuts up.
        “Your Shadow said some pretty terrible things.  Like you were happy something was going wrong, because you were bored.”  Yosuke winces.  “You think I’m some kind of saint that accepted you just because I’m so nice or something, and I’d love for that to be the case, and part of me hates that I’m going to take that away and let you actually see me for who I am, but—”
        “You don’t have to do this,” Yosuke whispers softly, not wanting to break the moment, and Souji takes a shuddering breath.
        “I want to.  …That’s the wrong choice of words.  I think…I’d feel better if someone knew, even if I’m scared of what will happen.”  He pauses again, then adds, “Would it be okay if you held my hand, though?  I know it’s not exactly your thing, but…”
        I don’t want anyone to pick on him too yeah but you’re alone.  Who’s gonna tell anyone?  You?
        He moves almost instantly, without thinking.  “I mean, you’re the one that tackled me to save me from my Shadow.  Compared to that this is nothing, right?”  He still feels useless, like a waste of space, but Souji relaxes almost instantly, so he’s not good for nothing.
        “I accepted you because I understood,” Souji blurts, feeling Yosuke startle now through their joined hands.  “Not that I was bored, but…I was happy something went wrong.  Because if I’m your Leader, because if I’m saving you all, then there’s a reason to keep me around.  I’m scared that when we finish this case and find the truth, you’ll all abandon me.”
        “Hell no!”  Yosuke knows how it feels on the other end.  He wouldn’t—even if you thought you were being a burden and wasting his time; even if you thought that he should be finding better friends and not spending his time on you?  …Huh.
        “It’s nice to hear you say that, but…” Souji almost has a death grip, now.  “It doesn’t make the worries disappear.  So when I see you suffering like this, I want to poke and prod.  I want to dissect it.  I want to keep fixing all your problems so they’ll all go away and so you’ll keep wanting me around because your life’s better with me in it.  Even if me pushing so hard makes something worse.  I can’t help myself.”
        No wonder he can’t say no to anyone; no wonder he spends way too much time filling up his schedule trying to help out the entire town.
        Last chance.  Though to be honest, is it a choice at all, if you’re both so clingy?
        “Well, it just happens you found the most broken guy in all of Inaba to be your best friend, so I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about, Partner,” Yosuke admits, trying to find the words.  “I guess I keep trying, hoping that this time will be different.  This time I’ll react normally.”
        “What does that mean?” Souji asks, genuinely curious.  Not mocking, not disgusted.
        “Well, like, everyone…their Shadows talk about sex, at least.  Chie’s didn’t directly, but the dominatrix thing was kind of in-your-face anyway, and Rise and Kanji and Yukiko’s were all kind of explicit.  It’s so easy for them.  And mine didn’t.  The closest it go was calling me broken.”  He’d pretended, and everyone was grossed out enough they didn’t notice, but that’s not the same thing.
        “That doesn’t mean anything,” Souji begins, and this time it’s his turn to interrupt.
        “It does, okay?  I feel like I’m an elementary kid hanging out with his senpai, but I just…I keep hoping that this is the time I’ll get it, that I’ll understand.  But I never do.  I don’t know why people are so obsessed with it.  Porn just kind of confuses me.  Like, there are scenarios I like,” and he’s pretty sure he’s blushing, now, thinking about the goods under his own futon, “…but whenever I get to the sex part I feel like…this doesn’t make any sense.  I feel like it ruined it?  I like reading about people getting close and holding hands and kissing, but it just gets weird when it gets to the sex part.  And I get being horny and taking care of it.  It feels good in the moment, but I tense up so much and then am miserable with tense muscles and a headache for a few days, and why do people do this to themselves?  I keep trying to understand and I don’t.  And there has to be something wrong with me, because this isn’t normal!  People aren’t like this!”
        Souji squeezes his hand, and that’s nice.  “I can’t say I understand this, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, really.  At least, no more so than there is with me.  I ate Nanako’s science project out of the fridge.”  He says that so blandly Yosuke has absolutely no idea how to respond, especially when his friend moves smoothly on.  “You had a crush on Saki-senpai, right?  What was that like?”
        He should be honest.  He’s come this far.  “I…I wanted to kiss her and hold her hand and walk her to school.  I wanted to watch movies and talk about nothing and make her smile.” 
        “Hmm,” Souji hums thoughtfully.  “Well, at least you’re a romantic.  Girls like that, supposedly.”
        “They—they do?”  That’s…not what any of his old friends had said, but then, they were guys.  Single guys like him.  Why did he think they’d be experts?
        “Well, having sex is a lot more pressure for girls.  Because they can get pregnant, and that’s a lot of pressure, everyone telling you what you should do with your body and what should happen after the baby’s born, and the guy can just decide to take off on them, and a lot of the porn shows that a lot of the focus is on taking care of the guy and not so much on them actually having fun or enjoying it, right?  I’m fairly certain that porn in general isn’t really realistic, but if the pressure on idols and the things our classmates say are any indication, there’s a bit of truth to that, that society spends a lot more time thinking about what men want than what women want.  Being a thoughtful, caring guy who thinks about their needs as well as your own means a lot to them.”  That…actually makes a lot of sense.  And is also kind of horrifying, because sure, it sucks to feel broken, but pressuring someone to feel like that is worse.  He should’ve been thinking about that, honestly.  “And they’re not the only ones, honestly.”  Is he…blushing?  No, don’t think about that right now, Yosuke, this is already awkward enough.  “It’s really attractive to have someone who thinks about more than just your body.”
        Well.  That’s…something, at least.  Souji might just be trying to make him feel better, but he’s doing a pretty good job.  As always.
        “I’ll do some research and get back to you, okay?  I have to say, I kind of doubt you’re the only one, and the internet has to have something.”  It’s kind of…sad.  To let go of Souji’s hand.  But he has to at some point, and they’re already getting sweaty and gross.  “I’m glad you trusted me with this.”
        “I’m really happy I got to tell you, and, um.  That you trusted me too.”  For once, Yosuke’s Shadow doesn’t have anything to say.
        Souji smiles warmly, already putting together a plan of attack.  “I feel better.  I might even sleep better tonight.”
        Before, Yosuke would’ve said that Souji lucked out, not having a Shadow, but now he gets it, and it’s actually kind of awesome, that in a way he got to see Souji’s, just like Souji saw his.  “Text you later!”
        It won’t be sunny forever.  His Shadow will be back with its poisonous whispers.  But now he knows that Souji wants Yosuke to bug him with his nonsense, which will help, and for the first time in a  while he feels optimistic about the future.