Breakdown

[madimpossibledreamer]

Main Points:
Steins;Gate Universe Optional
Chapter Summary: Kurisu doesn't understand Okarin and why he looks like he's dying inside.
Word Count: 1212
Rating: teen
Notes: the movie did not occur in this STEINS;GATE worldline.  also there's a reference here because it's STEINS;GATE and it's required.

 

“You are exactly twelve years old,” Kurisu complains.  “You think that the second you take off the lab coat, you’re invisible.” 

She glances over and doesn’t expect what she sees—an utterly lost look in those honey brown eyes.  Like the world is ending.  It’s nearly one of complete despair, and she’s fairly certain she’s never seen a human so devoid of hope before.  It’s out of place.  She’s sure that nothing she’s said could have brought this on, but then, the idiot who was a total stranger and got stabbed in her place is an inscrutable one.  It’s hard to even tell if he believes the nonsense he says—that’s Poe’s Law, isn’t it?

He feels her stare and pulls himself together, but it’s rather hard for him to hide behind the whole Hououin Kyouma act when he isn’t wearing his lab coat.  “Oh, were you worried, Christina?  That’s very kind of you, but that’s hardly the role of an assistant.  No, it’s the place of the leader of the Future Gadget Laboratory, the man who bears the number double-oh-one to worry about the safety and happiness of all the members of the lab.  After all, we’re hardly going to take down the System with low morale in the ranks!”

It’s…It’s very close to truth.  Almost distracts her from her goal and instead nearly gets her on a rant about that stupid Christina nickname again.  But there’s something still—heartbroken, that’s the word—in his eyes, causing the slightest discord in his tone, and instead she just fixes him with a glare.  “If no one else is going to notice, then yes, I’m going to worry in their place,” she states bluntly, and watches as the color drains from his face, mask falling and shattering on the ground.

He quickly glances away and begins walking, stride much faster than when she’d first met him.  “There’s nothing to concern yourself about.  Everything’s fine,” he snaps, and she catches a glimpse of the true Rintaro underneath. 

She’d wondered if he was completely insane almost from the point he first provoked her father to be stabbed in her place, and chats with the other Lab Mems didn’t fill her with confidence.  It had taken her a few years of acquaintance to realize that while it might seem like he believed every word he said, that wasn’t true.  Perhaps he’d known the difference between his fictions and reality from the beginning.

Up until the point when he’d been hurt, of course.  Then, he changed.  It seemed like, at times, he was only humoring himself (and, in some weird way, Mayuri, though he had yet to explain that to her).  Playing a part, and playing it brilliantly, but aware the whole time that it was just a part in a play for…someone’s benefit.  At others, though…he became deadly serious.  He’d drop all the Hououin Kyouma mannerisms, or at least tone them down.  The pattern seemed a little random, though any mere mention of time travel merited the serious Okabe.

He’d mutter insane backstories of being on the run from some fictional Organization, but he could be truly paranoid at times.  He occasionally just pushes himself to the breaking point with no discernable cause, and he acts like someone with more emotional trauma than just getting stabbed by a madman (well, she assumes).

“Slow down, you idiot!  Do you want to be alone?  Because that’s what’ll happen if you keep running away from your friends who only want to help you!” she yells finally, when he doesn’t slow down his pace.

Instantly, he freezes, like they’re in the world of timestop, his shoulders stiffening.

She approaches, cautiously.  It’s always good to be careful with the lunatic.  “Well?  I asked you a question.”

“I—don’t.”  His voice is barely audible, thick with what sounds like centuries worth of pain.

“Excuse me?” she asks, quietly.  This is the real man, no dramatics or weird allusions she doesn’t understand.

“I—I don’t want to be alone.”  Slightly louder now, but his shoulders are shaking.  “But how can I help it?  I’m—I’m alone.”  It almost sounds like he’s talking to himself, now, the words spilling from his lips like he can’t stem the flow.  “But you are alive, and Mayuri is alive, and that—that is enough.  It has to be enough.”

“I can’t believe I’m about to say this to such an egomaniac,” she sighs, “…but you should think about yourself once in a while.  Are you truly living?”

Without warning, he falls to his knees, like he’s been stabbed again, and her heart stops in her throat.  She realizes, soon, that the sound is him crying, loudly, brokenly, like something vital has snapped and isn’t coming back.

She’s not prepared.  How does one deal with that?  But on the other hand, she’s not going to just leave him to have his breakdown, whatever it is, in the middle of a public sidewalk, so instead she kneels and awkwardly hugs him.

It takes far too long.  Her legs go to sleep with the time spent not moving them, and for a while she wonders whether he hasn’t fainted or something.

“Kurisu?” a voice croaks eventually, barely recognizable as even human.  It takes her a moment to realize that he’d said her real name, without that stupid nickname.

“What’s wrong?” she asks bluntly, most of the harshness in her tone gone.  This is serious.

Like there hadn’t been enough clues, Makise-san.

He takes a deep breath, then pulls his legs to his chest, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand.  “This feels so familiar.  I suppose I looked that pathetic, did I?”  The tone is soft, honest; not Kyouma’s at all.  “I don’t say anything for fear it’ll break this fragile world.  I’ve…thought about it, before.  Confessing everything.  Telling the lab mems of all the infamous deeds of Hououin Kyouma.”  His face twists in a self-depreciating smile that seems familiar and yet she’s never seen before.  “But no one would believe me.  And even if any of you did, I worked so hard, sacrificed so much to get to this point…”

He holds up his trembling hand, stares at it in wonder like he’s never seen it before.  “Three years.  That’s my deadline.”

She glares at him.  She wants answers now.  Why must this particular person be so infuriating?

What’s in three years?  Wait, she vaguely remembers…  “When Lab Mem #008 appears?” she asks, and is met with a smile.

It’s small, but it’s a real smile, and very different from the stupid Kyouma smiles.  “Exactly.”  Then he looks straight at her, with that same rarely seen Okabe demeanor.  It’s disconcerting.  At least it’s better than the other times she’s seen him serious, because for once he actually looks almost peaceful.  “Not to worry; I alone won’t shoulder this burden forever.  Thank you for, once again, serving as my anchor, Kurisu.”

What the hell’s he talking about?  And when did they get close enough that he’s going sans honorific?

Still, he’s dropped his walls.  She should do him the courtesy of the same.  “You’re welcome.”

The moment is fragile.  It will pass, and he’ll be Kyouma, and she’ll be his long-suffering…not-assistant, but for the time being…it’s nice.