On Not Saying the Angry Things

[madimpossibledreamer]

Main Points:
Buffy/Devil May Cry
Chapter Summary: Xander senses something when they return to the hotel.
Word Count: 1955
Rating: Teen

 

         Xander would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous. He really should leave his room, he knows this, it’s not like they’re going to bite him or be weird about it, but he feels stuck, so he just keeps pacing instead, to the sound of his Devil Arms’ encouragement. (Except for the cultists, but he’s pretty much given up on them, and Krotos finally shut them up through magic, and Eyghon, but he’s expecting not to get to use him anytime soon.) Brahma and Shiva are even helpful, although maybe a little esoteric in their speech. (And now it finally occurs to him that maybe the reason he can understand them all is his heritage, and maybe that means he’s not a disappointment at all. He’s not, he knows this, he read the letter probably fifty times and he still doesn’t quite believe it’s actually about him.)
         It’s going to be fine. He knows this. His friends are great and even though Buffy hadn’t known, she’d been taking it really well. Hell, Giles of all people was somewhere on that sliding scale of ‘likes men and women’, and that was a shock, so why is his heart trying to beat out of his chest?
         When Willow actually finally peeks in, it’s a relief and a ramp up, all at once. He’s in freefall, but he can actually see the ground rushing up at him now. He doesn’t have to wait.
         “Hey,” he greets her, nervous, reaching up to rub at the back of his head because he’s got a sudden burst of energy and has to do something.
         “Hey,” she responds, and then stops, and they’re just staring at each other.
         He should say something. He really should. Both of them babble, but neither of them is quite managing it at the moment.
         “Uh, do you want to...sit? Wait, chair, right,” he’d forgotten to pull that out, damn him, of course she wouldn’t be comfortable with the bed or the floor, and he practically sprints across to yank it out, ignoring the slight creaking because he’s not holding back on his strength at all.
         And behind him, he hears a giggle, and has to slowly turn back because that is entirely unexpected and he’s not sure he’s really hearing her properly. But yeah, she’s smiling, though there are tears in her eyes that make him want to hug her or rip something apart or maybe both.
         “You really are still you, huh,” she notes, and he wants to ask as opposed to what, really, but he just swallows. “Sorry, I’m just...I know I’m making no sense, it’s kind of what I do, I babble and make no sense and things just come out that I really don’t mean and I’m really sorry! I just...I’ve had a crush on you for the longest time, because you were nice to me, not like the other boys, and you were patient which, you know, pretty much no one in my life had really done, and you put up with me even when I’m being annoying, so yeah, obviously, crush, those happen, and I kept hoping and hoping and honestly that’s half the reason I ran away because I didn’t think I could deal with a life without a Xander in it, but also my parents were home for once and kind of freaked with the whole telekinetics because freaking bit, and I’ve had fantasies about you which I worked out you didn’t return because of the whole ‘crush on Kryvi’ thing so I’ve been trying to keep them to myself and I didn’t know about Jesse and I am so, so sorry and Buffy noticed even though I was trying to get over it not that you’re not great or anything just I didn’t want to burden you and she kept asking questions and I was thinking so hard about not mentioning the Jesse Thing I accidentally mentioned the Other Thing without you saying it was okay—”
         Okay, yeah. He figured it was something like that, which is why he wasn’t declaring a ceaseless grudge or anything, and he definitely can’t watch this without intervention. “Will. Breathe.”
         She gasps on command.
         “Rosen of the Bergs, you know I know you,” he states gently. He kind of wants to hug her, but isn’t sure if that’d make it worse. “Honestly, maybe I should’ve said something, because I noticed and I also noticed when you switched to trying to get over it, but I wasn’t sure what to say so I said nothing at all. I figured out why it happened the second I realized it did, and it didn’t make sense to get mad at you because I would absolutely have done the same thing, but my brain went and did it anyway and then I didn’t want to have the conversation because then I’d actually say angry things to you and I didn’t want to say angry things to you.”
         “It wasn’t cool,” she protests quietly, and now she’s definitely crying a lot and damn it this is making him feel like the bad guy here even though he’s sure that’s not even intended, just...when she gets started, she’s a Weeping Willow, and guilt gets to her like nothing else.
         “No, it wasn’t, but you’re not going to do it again, are you?” He knows the answer, but he has to get her to see it.
         “I...no?” She’s less sure of the answer than he is, but even now, he still trusts her.
         “Now, are hugs still okay, or?” He wants to make sure of her boundaries before he just goes for it.
         “I’m not going to be weird about it. I just didn’t want to make you feel weird,” she protests weakly.
         “Oh, I’m flattered. Very flattered. The only thing that hurts is that I don’t feel the same and that makes you hurt and I really don’t like that,” he explains, and she laughs weakly.
         “I had a feeling it was something like that, which is why I tried to hide it so much.” Still, she relaxes into the hug, as does he, prompting the thought Damn, we really are two touch-starved kids, aren’t we?
         “Anything else you need from me, Wils?” he asks, because it would hurt but if she needs the space she needs the space.
         “You shouldn’t have to change anything you’re doing,” she complains, and then a thought occurs to her. “Well. Actually, there is one thing. Do you think you could ‘acquire’ me some books on computers? And, y’know, a computer to go with it? I was thinking, yeah, the net is a little new, but it might not hurt to have a webpage or something, if we can figure out how to make sure, y’know, the FBI or Council won’t find it? Plus, then I can keep tabs on the whole ‘missing person’ investigation and mess with it.”
         And that’s something he can absolutely do. She’s probably never fully getting over it, but if she’s distracted, she can distance herself without, y’know, distancing herself, and that he totally gets. He practically haunts the local bookstore, and he’s started to notice an increase in customers. Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with his visits, but the Pashran in him says ‘there’s that repayment’. The computer might be slightly harder, mostly the ‘transporting it without damaging’ bit, but he can probably manage if he uses Shadowstep. “Absolutely.” He ruffles her hair, which apparently makes her remember something.
         “Oh, yeah! Guilt cookies!” That comes out more cheerful than she intends, probably, and makes them both laugh, but she carefully sets down the paper plate on what little of a clean desk he’s got and he is absolutely eating one or twelve of them at night when he’s the only one up and can’t sleep anyway.

         He half knows what’s coming next, which is why he doesn’t leave. He can’t help but crack a joke when Buffy appears in his doorway next, though. “Please tell me you weren’t waiting out in the hall.”
         “Don’t be dense; it took me longer to get here than that.” It...didn’t? Except, no, wait, Slayer powers, duh. Okay. He’s basing his estimations off the time it would take Willow or Giles, and even with the sparring, he’s still making rookie mistakes like that. “I was waiting in my room for my turn, because Willow’s apology was her business and not mine. Apparently Giles has an announcement after we finish, though? I dunno, I kind of want to make him wait. That was Not Fun in capital letters.”
         “You are a bad woman, Buff.” He shakes his head, and she grins.
         “In all seriousness, though, it’s going to take the time it’s going to take, because you deserve for me to take the time to make this right.” Suddenly the ease he had disappears, and he swallows again. Wants to protest he’s not worth it, but in a weird way that makes this more about him than it should be. He has insecurities, yeah, whatever, that’s not news. “I shouldn’t have been prying into your personal life like that. And it’s kind of really messed up of me after that stuff with the cult to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you.”
         Okay, literally how is he supposed to keep his eyes dry after that?
         “You didn’t,” he protests weakly, and she shakes her head emphatically.
         “I mean, I didn’t literally call you a monster, and I may not get it. But that’s on me, not you. I mean, I lived in L.A.!” He...hadn’t known that, actually, She doesn’t talk about her past, really. Which is fair; they’re all basically not trying to think about it, but still. “And...ugh. I hate thinking about it now, but I’m pretty sure I was a real jerk. Like, I have turned out to be the kind of kid I wouldn’t have even looked at when I was a cheerleader, which, can I say yikes?”
         That makes him smile, and she grins like this was her diabolical plan all along. Honestly, it probably was, but he’s cool with it.
         “Popular snob?” he guesses, and she nods.
         “Unfortunately.” She still hasn’t said she’s sorry, but Buffy keeps her promises even when she makes them in the most convoluted way possible, and she’s promising to try to do better, so...he can’t be mad at that, either. She’ll mess up again, especially if she ends up being their token straight team member or whatever, but Buffy Efforts are Herculean in nature, so he’s finding he’s not actually too worried about it.
         “You would’ve missed out,” he jokes, and now, of all times, she gets serious.
         “Yeah. Yeah, I totally would have.” Someday, he’ll get used to this, the fact that people really do love and care about him. Someday his brain will stop trying to convince himself that’s some weird kind of anomaly.
         For now, he grins. “We need to make up our own weird convoluted insider handshake.”
         It’s her turn to laugh. “I am one hundred percent up for it, but first, let’s figure out what Giles wants. Then, I picked up one of those cakes you like, and after that I’m going to beat you into the pavement in the back.”
         “Dulce de leche?!” He perks up. He’s not exactly sure why he likes it so much, he vaguely remembers it’s a new post-powers thing, but he’s not one to argue with delicious. ...Then something occurs to him. “You’re trying to slow me down for sparring, aren’t you?”
         “Busted,” she shrugs, grinning ear to ear, and starts running, and, well, he’s not the type to take a challenge lying down.