Cut the Gordian Knot
Aug. 5th, 2024 01:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
madimpossibledreamer(and it might be a little early, because it's not the last chapter, but here's the credits song: Shinkiro by the Yoshida Brothers)
Main Points:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer/SMT Devil Summoner Raidou Kuzunoha (Casts Shadows)
Summary: Xander has another choice to make.
Word Count: 760
Rating: Teen
He’s kneeling, sword in front of him, for once not restless or distracted, mind clear with purpose. Because, as in his memories, he has a choice to make. Two paths.
The first is the easiest: deny his ability. Sure, the spell broke, like the hyena thing, but there’s lingering traces there, and it’d be so easy to retrain himself. It’d probably be easy to just let them lie dormant, too, rust away from lack of use. Never touch the Tubes again, except perhaps to free his demons, given that they don’t exactly deserve the fate of eternal confinement, never again claim himself a Devil Summoner, never step onto the battlefield again. But maybe it’s for the best; it’s highly likely that he’ll paint a target on his own back and possibly Buffy’s if he goes through with this. The simple, easy choice. It’s not like she needs his help, either. Jonathan and a couple of the other people transformed on Halloween have already approached Buffy for help, started setting up some sort of community watch. Maybe they’ll have more warning before the next apocalypse. It’s not like it all rests on Buffy anymore.
The second is a path of pain and torment. No more sleeping in, no more lazing about, no more doing less than applying his full self. He’s under no illusions that it would be easy. He’ll have to retain habits he remembers having formed but very possibly never put into practice. Early wake-ups, kata, battle training. And that’s just the start—magnetite is scarce, here, so more than before he can’t afford to screw up or he’ll find himself dead or playing a catch-up game. He thinks he can find a route into the Dark Realm, if he looks hard enough, but doing so and being allowed to take it are two different things. And that’s all if he can even convince Giles to let him try, which is an obstacle in of itself.
It’s easy to feel attachment. In his memories, his own family gave him up to the Kuzunoha to raise. The training had been grueling and harsh, but it’d also given him a purpose and adult figures who actually loved him and cared for him.
And there’s always the issue of his own sense of self. Despite the spell having been broken, he finds himself clinging to it, because he’d had no fear, no doubt, no insecurity. He didn’t have to question who he was. He didn’t have to run away. And sure, he’d questioned the extent of his abilities, evaluating every new encounter in contrast to his current capabilities, but he never wondered if he was good for much at all, even if it’s not like he knew what to do with the praise he got, either. He didn’t have to go to the extent the Yatagarasu would have ordered, if the organization existed, but at the same time, maintaining that delicate balance could be quite the tightrope walk if he’s not cautious.
Then he smiles to himself, because he’s fooling absolutely no one, least of all himself. He’s been doing nothing but trying to talk himself out of it, trying to come up with every reason, every possible excuse he shouldn’t do this. When he’s going to go through with it, anyway, and the only question is what exact length of time he’s going to let himself go on before he admits it to himself.
It’ll be a challenge, but...he happens to be Raidou Kuzunoha the XVIII, even if the title was only granted through magic. He’ll make this work.
Main Points:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer/SMT Devil Summoner Raidou Kuzunoha (Casts Shadows)
Summary: Xander has another choice to make.
Word Count: 760
Rating: Teen
It’s really, really awkward to think about this, but—he can, now. He would’ve avoided it before, because he didn’t want to think about it, but real or not he has some discipline, now, and he’s already been forced with one impossible decision already this week. And as scared as he’d been about making it, about messing up, it had gone fine. Been ridiculously awkward, at the time, but he and Willow weren’t just blushing at everything anymore, and weirdly, they’re better friends than they’d been for a bit. Though they still have to figure out something to tell Buffy. She might not take it well, but hey, both he and Willow are happy with the results, so. She’ll get on board, too, eventually. He’d been putting this off, scared of making a decision, and yet that’s the coward’s way of deciding, because it’s running away from this change without taking the responsibility. He won’t turn his head from the difficult questions.
He’s kneeling, sword in front of him, for once not restless or distracted, mind clear with purpose. Because, as in his memories, he has a choice to make. Two paths.
The first is the easiest: deny his ability. Sure, the spell broke, like the hyena thing, but there’s lingering traces there, and it’d be so easy to retrain himself. It’d probably be easy to just let them lie dormant, too, rust away from lack of use. Never touch the Tubes again, except perhaps to free his demons, given that they don’t exactly deserve the fate of eternal confinement, never again claim himself a Devil Summoner, never step onto the battlefield again. But maybe it’s for the best; it’s highly likely that he’ll paint a target on his own back and possibly Buffy’s if he goes through with this. The simple, easy choice. It’s not like she needs his help, either. Jonathan and a couple of the other people transformed on Halloween have already approached Buffy for help, started setting up some sort of community watch. Maybe they’ll have more warning before the next apocalypse. It’s not like it all rests on Buffy anymore.
The second is a path of pain and torment. No more sleeping in, no more lazing about, no more doing less than applying his full self. He’s under no illusions that it would be easy. He’ll have to retain habits he remembers having formed but very possibly never put into practice. Early wake-ups, kata, battle training. And that’s just the start—magnetite is scarce, here, so more than before he can’t afford to screw up or he’ll find himself dead or playing a catch-up game. He thinks he can find a route into the Dark Realm, if he looks hard enough, but doing so and being allowed to take it are two different things. And that’s all if he can even convince Giles to let him try, which is an obstacle in of itself.
It’s easy to feel attachment. In his memories, his own family gave him up to the Kuzunoha to raise. The training had been grueling and harsh, but it’d also given him a purpose and adult figures who actually loved him and cared for him.
And there’s always the issue of his own sense of self. Despite the spell having been broken, he finds himself clinging to it, because he’d had no fear, no doubt, no insecurity. He didn’t have to question who he was. He didn’t have to run away. And sure, he’d questioned the extent of his abilities, evaluating every new encounter in contrast to his current capabilities, but he never wondered if he was good for much at all, even if it’s not like he knew what to do with the praise he got, either. He didn’t have to go to the extent the Yatagarasu would have ordered, if the organization existed, but at the same time, maintaining that delicate balance could be quite the tightrope walk if he’s not cautious.
Then he smiles to himself, because he’s fooling absolutely no one, least of all himself. He’s been doing nothing but trying to talk himself out of it, trying to come up with every reason, every possible excuse he shouldn’t do this. When he’s going to go through with it, anyway, and the only question is what exact length of time he’s going to let himself go on before he admits it to himself.
It’ll be a challenge, but...he happens to be Raidou Kuzunoha the XVIII, even if the title was only granted through magic. He’ll make this work.
