madimpossibledreamer

*note that it’s more like the multiplicity of humans, but that’s less catchy of a title.

So for this one, thank you to a wonderful comment by Axsan_Kat, I probably wouldn’t have figured out the reason behind this choice without you.

For the longest time, I wasn’t sure why I’d gone with multiple-personality disorder in Self-Made Hero, other than maybe the vague idea that I didn’t want to only use one version of Tony Stark. Turns out there was more going on in my subconscious that I was aware of, which kind of leads into the actual reason why I’d made the decision: Personas.

Not exactly from the hit SMT series, mind. Going back to Carl Jung, in fact. The basic premise is this: we wear different personas, or masks, depending on what we’re doing. That might seem strange, but if you think about it, it makes perfect sense: we’re different people at work, by ourselves, on the internet, with our best friend, with our family (and sometimes, with different family members), at a concert, shopping, etc. We put on our work persona just like we put on our work clothes. We should remember this more often, for example, when someone says “Oh, that person treats me like garbage” and we go “but they’ve always been nice to me”, but that’s the basic premise.

There’s a little of that in every superhero tale, and part of the enduring appeal of the genre. Who you are when you put on that mask or faceplate or transform or whatever. But a character that definitely takes that to extremes (even when he’s got a Public ID) and is thus fascinating to write is Tony Stark.

To the average person, it might seem like Tony is the same no matter where he goes; sarcastic, irreverent, never taking things seriously, but there are layers.

Some of it is probably neurodivergence (probably ADHD, maybe autism), trauma (Howard Stark, either as a terrible parent in most of it and as a good parent but presumed dead in Armored Adventures), and PTSD (getting the arc reactor in whatever permutation that happens). But there’s also a whole lot more. Let’s turn to the movies specifically. I might have a lot of problems with The Avengers (and most of Whedon’s work, looking back, honestly), but I do think the ‘tinker tailor soldier spy’ genius millionaire playboy philanthropist line is great for this. He’s intelligent and he knows it, it’s probably the thing he’s most confident in. Millionaire is something he’s probably coming to terms with, especially once finding where a lot of that blood money had come from, and he’s also starting to get the sense that, you know, maybe the eccentricities that come with being a millionaire aren’t actually all charming. Playboy, also mixed, because it’s started to feel a little more hollow and unfulfilling. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind, but it’s hurting Pepper, maybe, and he doesn’t want to do that, but at the same time sometimes he needs to just stop thinking and it’s that or alcohol, and sometimes he just needs to feel like someone cares even though that’s maybe a line. Philanthropy may just be throwing money at problems to make amends, but it’s something he knows how to do and it’s something, and he’s not so great at apologizing (maybe, partly, because with his self-worth he doesn’t actually think he deserves to be forgiven).

When he’s with the bots, for example, he might be sarcastic but he’s more gentle and patient than he’d be with humans. On a lot of occasions, he’s leaning on Pepper, and it’s almost impossible to tell what’s him not feeling up to dealing with things, trusting her, trying to figure out how she works (because he adores her but I don’t think he ever reaches a point where he’d say “I can predict how she’ll react”), and stress testing, trying to find her boundaries and breaking points. Rhodey’s more predictable but they definitely don’t see eye to eye on everything—Rhodey is a soldier first, and doesn’t react well to Tony starting to come to terms with his past, legacy, and family legacy as a (legitimized) arms dealer. He probably is grateful to Howard for the inheritance of his intelligence, but resents him for how he was treated. In some ways, it was probably more comforting to think it was black and white, that Howard never loved him, because that’s easier to deal with. Obie he saw as more of a father figure than his own dad, because Obie made the time to actually treat him that way, even if it was mostly selfishness on Stane’s part. His meeting with Cap was largely one of resentment, too, because Howard cared more about Steve Rogers than his own son, but there was probably some fear, too, because you tell yourself that they’re not right about you, when your family tells you you’re not good enough, but part of you will always whisper and wonder maybe they’re right. (Another thing that could have been great in the Avengers, except it never got followed up on or resolved so there’s no learning, no character growth.) It’s probably clear that his confidence waxes and wanes, but he hides it more or less well (in some cases especially Iron Man 3 it’s cracking) because some of his role models (Aunt Peggy and Edwin Jarvis) were British, so stiff upper lip and keep calm and carry on are the adult coping mechanisms he’s learned to emulate. Actually opening up and showing he’s vulnerable takes work and effort and honestly there are some days it’s probably impossible for his brain. Iron Man 3 did such a good job with compassionately and realistically portraying not only his PTSD but him learning how to deal with it and maybe, just a little, starting to heal.

So, yeah, it follows naturally that actually kind of making that literal and have Xander have to deal with all that in a YAHF (Yet Another Halloween Fanfic) is a writing decision that isn’t quite as out of the blue as it seems. Not that I recognized that for years, just “this is happening and I am writing it, okay”, but I got there in the end.