Chained to What I Can't Reclaim

[madimpossibledreamer]

Happy Father's Day! (or, y'know, I hope you just had a great day)

Main Points:
Persona 2/Persona 4 crossover (Broken Hero)
Chapter Summary: Jun explains the latest message from the Midnight Channel.
Word Count: 1800
Rating: Teen
Pairing: Jun/Tatsuya, though tatsuya doesn't actually appear in person in this one

 

         Jun hadn’t thought he would be this nervous, but here he is, hands shaking slightly as he sits in the Junes food court. It’s not particularly isolated, as such things go, but it’s not as if any of them had made any particular effort to go unheard, either, back then.
         He’d done well, so far, as the poised mentor figure, but then, he’d clearly failed his love and friend if things had been bad enough for Tatsuya to develop a Shadow, and admitting his own sins mattered, in this context.
         Thinking back on his own life, perhaps he, too, had been suffering. He had more meaningful relationships, still, with his friends and Maya-nee’s, but perhaps there had been a good reason it had been so easy to drop everything to serve as Tatsu-chan’s partner. Further, if he’s being honest with himself, maybe he’d actively designed his life this way, if unconsciously, superficially making choices but never risking putting down ties that would keep him chained anywhere, unflexible when it came to his dragon’s needs. It’s likely that he wouldn’t have gone that far if he hadn’t sensed something was wrong, even if he hadn’t guessed at the full extent of it.
         Though, from what his Shadow said—perhaps they were alike in that regard.
         These children are closer than he’s been to anyone in a long time, and their opinions matter. He’s nervous, for although their experiences might make it easier for them to understand his position, he doesn’t wish to scare them. He’d deserve it, if they had, but, he supposes, the difference here is that he’d never had to explain his sins aloud before. Everyone had already known them, before.
         “I bought you a tea,” Amagi-chan announces, offering him a can, which he takes. It’s something to do. “Yosuke-kun got asked a question, but he’ll be here as soon as he can get away from his coworker. Chie’s running late. Souji-kun’s restocking on supplies.”
         Satonaka-chan’s panting as she hurls herself into one of the plastic chairs with enough force she almost tips over. “I’m here!” she announces loudly.
         Jun hides a smile in his can. She reminds him of Lisa-chan.
         “You’re not the last one here, Chie, don’t worry,” Amagi-chan reassures her, handing her a can which she starts chugging.
         It isn’t long before the others arrive, Hanamura-kun patting Jun’s shoulder awkwardly. He elects to remain standing, though. “We’ll get him back.” If that burning determination could be weaponized, Tatsuya would be safe already.
         Seta-kun nods, which means a lot coming from a teenager of few words. “We should go inside, to fill Teddie in,” he insists, and Jun is pathetically grateful for the delay, even if it’s brief and has no real practical meaning.
         Too soon, he’s facing them in the Backlot, as they lounge or sit to listen, with very little idea of where to start.
         It’s Hanamura-kun who prompts him. “So, uh. I didn’t get a lot of what his Shadow said on the Midnight Channel.”
         That’s as good a place to start as any, Jun supposes. “Joker was a figure rumored to appear to grant the ideals of an individual that called their own cell phone in a ritual called the Joker Game. If you didn’t comply fast enough, your Ideal Energy would be drained, and you would turn into a Shadowman and fade from reality.”
         Seta-kun nods. It’s hard to tell if he’s bluffing or if he actually had suspected something along those lines. “And rumors were becoming reality,” he adds.
         Jun sighs and stares at his hands. “I was Joker,” he admits, voice low. No question of whether the teenagers heard him is present, though, not with all the gasps. He glances up to find varying degrees of betrayal, fear, surprise… “I had been led to believe that collecting that ideal energy could bring those I loved back to life. One, however, had not actually died. The other might have appeared like my father, but it wasn’t him—!” At his snarl and clenched fists, Teddie-kun actually takes a step back, and even Satonaka-chan flinches away.
         “My apologies.” He takes a deep breath, tucking away the vicious traces of Joker that may forever stain his soul. “As for the rest, I’m sure you could put the pieces together on your own. His Shadow said…” He swallows back the tears. “…that through these years he has never had one ideal. Never one single thing he wanted to do. Perhaps it’s an exaggeration, but…” Yes, he’d known the truth, or at least suspected, but he didn’t want to believe it. “He joined the Shadow Operatives to try and help people, but it sounds like that might have been more of an obligation than anything he actually wanted for himself. Perhaps it’s noble, him taking on the pains of Atlas just so the ones he loves may live with no care in the world, but it’s selfish, too, because it hurts so much, watching him suffer. I’ve felt that the sun was gone for twelve long years.”
         “What happened to your victims?” Satonaka-chan asks, sounding rather like a police officer herself.
         Jun sighs, but looks up to meet her gaze. “I know most of them came back when we put a stop to the rumors…but I can’t be sure. I don’t remember everything I did, and while Persona-Users could still see them, if they’d already faded…Tatsuya told me they all made it, and he’s not the type to tell a white lie, but I can’t be sure.”
         “We can’t trust this guy! For all we know, he’s the murderer we’ve been searching for!” Satonaka-chan gestures angrily, although Jun knows from Lisa that it’s the kind of anger that stems from fear.
         “Teddie would have felt him inside the TV if he’d used it as a shortcut, and he hasn’t. Kashihara-san has an alibi. He was teaching a class and then picking Suou-san up at the airport at the time Yamano-san disappeared.” Seta-kun sounds firm from where he’s sitting, fingers laced together as he thinks. Jun’s actually kind of proud of the kids, that they hadn’t simply taken them at their word. “Suou-san, meanwhile, was on a flight, and I’ve already discovered that you can’t fit into, say, an in-flight entertainment screen. Both of them have witnesses.”
         Hanamura-kun, though, looks guilty. “Partner, I was just spitballing; you didn’t have to—”
         “I had to be sure, and you didn’t say anything I wasn’t already thinking. I didn’t think it was very likely,” he clarifies, the slightest look of guilt on his own face, “…but it didn’t hurt to check. Dojima-san did most of the work. I just had to prompt him one of the days he was drinking, and he probably wouldn’t have revealed that much if he wasn’t trying to correct Adachi-san’s running his mouth. Sorry about suspecting you, Kashihara-san.”
         “No offense taken,” Jun replies with a small smile.
         “Don’t apologize to him!” Satonaka-chan snaps.
         “It’s only polite to apologize based on your own actions,” Amagi-chan responds. It’s hard to tell how she’s taking it, because she’s hiding all of it behind her polite customer service skills.
         Hanamura-kun’s trying to look casual where he’s leaning against one of the railings, but he’s tense as can be. “I didn’t want to say it out loud,” he begins, tapping his foot and holding on to his headphones like they’re a lifeline, “…but I get it. Even when we catch the killer, are we gonna be able to prove anything? Or are the courts going to let the bastard go free because it’s so unbelievable? And the thought that he might get away with it, that he might not be punished for killing Saki-senpai or the announcer…that tears me up inside.”
         “Yosuke…” Satonaka-chan breathes, upset but not judgmental.
         He glances up, sheer determination in his steady gaze as he meets Jun’s eyes. “I want to look away, never talk about my Shadow again, pretending that I don’t have anything that pathetic inside me, but that’s missing the entire point, and it would be even more pathetic if it came back just because I was lying to myself.” He takes a deep breath. “I want to say ‘what the hell, no, I’d never even think about something like that,’ but if I’m being honest with myself…I can’t. Like hell I’d get other people involved, but when we find the killer I can’t guarantee I’m not gonna try to strangle him with my bare hands.” He finally glances away, giving Satonaka-chan a genuine grin. “You’re in charge of holding me back if it comes to it, okay?”
         “I always kick you when you’re about to do something without thinking enough,” she manages with a watery smile.
         He winces, but actually chuckles, expression light given the subject matter. “That’s what I mean,” he clarifies. “It’s easy enough to act like we’re better than that, but…we’re really not.”
         “In any case, I think you’re leaving out context,” Amagi-chan declares bluntly, and it’s easy to see why these children have gotten caught up in the case. Beyond personal ties, they have good minds for these things.
         “An explanation feels too much like a justification,” Jun responds, but it’s clear from the weight of the expectant silence that they still want one anyway. “…My memories were…tampered with. And I was being manipulated, but still—part of me knew it was wrong. I should’ve—” he begins, just as frustrated now as he’d been then, in Caracol.
         “Fought back?” Amagi-chan finishes his sentence, eyebrow raised, idly holding her blade-fan. “Just as Yosuke-kun, Chie, or I should have accepted our Shadows immediately?”
         “It’s not the same—” Satonaka-chan tries to argue, and Hanamura-kun shrugs.
         “If Kashihara-san and Suou-san hadn’t been with us, your Shadow could’ve killed me pretty easily.” He fiddles with his headphones again. “Would that make you a murderer?”
         That actually stuns the teenager into silence.
         “Given what they’ve already said about their adventures, I’d guess magic or something like it was involved, encouraging Kashihara-san to act on his worst instincts—like being controlled by his own Shadow.” Amagi-chan muses, and while it’s technically correct, it’s being far too forgiving…
         “You said you couldn’t just stand by and let others be killed. You’re trying to overcome the weakness of your heart.” Seta-kun states decisively. “Chie-chan, I understand if you don’t want to come—”
         “I’m going.” She doesn’t hesitate for a second. She might just be coming along to keep an eye on him, but he honestly doesn’t mind; it’s a fair enough worry, after all.
         “Yukiko-chan, is Kashihara-san a bad man?” Teddie asks hesitantly, evidently so concerned that he forgot to sneak in a bear pun, but Jun is soon distracted by the planning. His dragon’s dungeon will not be easy, he’s sure.