Crisis of Self

[madimpossibledreamer]

titledrop
I've got a couple other mini scenes but I'm not going to have them go anywhere as yet; this is as far as I go without rereading the trilogy/the Technomage RPG supplement (assuming that i own it and it went to storage).  There's a lot of little details that I'd get wrong in any training segments or showing-how-the-powers-work segments (I've probably made some mistakes already and so this will probably have some edits at some point).

Main Points:
Buffy/Babylon 5 AU (same as The Ushari): Agents of Chaos AU
Chapter Summary: Giles has a conversation with Xander following the events of Halloween.
Word Count: 900
Rating: Teen
Spoilers: Major spoilers for the origin of the Technomages (explained in either the book trilogy or an unfilmed episode of Crusade)

        Giles isn’t fully ready for the confrontation when he walks into the main room of the library and finds Xander there.  At least he’s carrying a cup of tea in his hands, as it’ll provide a moment of respite if he needs to consider his response before he speaks and some well-needed non-alcoholic fortitude.  He’d expected he’d have some more time before the conversation, but out of his friends, Xander’s certainly the one that would skip class.  It’s quite possible his class ended early, of course, but knowing the young man, it’s far more likely that he simply snuck out, or failed to attend in the first place.
        “Am I going to have teachers asking me to improve your attendance again?” he asks, and Xander smirks, oddly smug.
        He waves off the concern easily.  “I left a homunculus snoring away in my place.  Given how everyone simultaneously knows about the supernatural and wants to pretend it doesn’t exist, I think Mr. Baird will cut me some slack for today, at least.  No one will know the difference, don’t worry.”
        The unfortunate thing is, none of that is reassuring.  He carefully sets down the books and his cup.  “I’m sorry, did you say homunculus?” he questions, and is met with a falling expression.  Usually, the teenager is pretty good about hiding his less positive feelings with a quip or a joke, but he seems much more expressive today.
        He also looks vaguely confused before his face clears.  “Oh, yeah.  Right.  Our memories are mostly back to normal, though we’ve still got a vague version of the ones the spell downloaded.  Me, Buffy, Willow, and Angel all kept our powers, though.”
        Giles blinks and has the abrupt desire to sit down.  He does so slowly, in an effort to preserve his dignity, but the dancing amusement in Xander’s eyes says he’s not fooling anyone.
        “Is—is Buffy…?” he begins, and can’t quite manage to continue.
        That’s anger.  Sorrow, pain.
        “She’s fine,” he bites off, though he’s a little bitter.  Giles instantly recognizes his mistake.
        “I assume that means the rest of you are all right.”  He didn’t particularly want to take a position where he’s taking care of the problems of teenagers, but he’d be remiss if he ignored the way the Harris neglect is affecting the child.
        The smile is sad, but it does show he did do something at least partially right.  Ethan was right to some extent, though; if he were a better man, he would certainly offer Xander an opportunity to talk, to express his feelings.  Instead, he moves on to the topic at hand.
        “I’m not sure why the four of you didn’t change back.”  It’s fair enough to assume that he’s here looking for answers, but Xander chuckles darkly.  Giles glances over and flinches a little because he has summoned a fireball above his hand.
        “Oh, I happen to know exactly why.  Chaos.  We got a data packet with Janus written all over it, and he said he wanted Agents of Chaos.  Since it’s kind of more important than just a TV show now, I’m not going to worry about spoilers.  Now, while the Technomages might have rebelled, the origin of their technology is the Shadows.  Which were really old aliens who believed chaos and conquest were the only way for races to reach a more enlightened, powerful state.  Even now I can feel the implants begging for destruction…”
        He shivers, the fireball suddenly winking out of existence as if its presence had only been a mirage.  “Like I said, the Technomages rejected their bloody heritage, but it takes discipline and years and years of study to help them stay in control, and we don’t have a mentor.  I’m toeing the line by just throwing around spells left and right, but, uh…I got extra unlucky.  I don’t have a choice.”  His appearance melts away, leaving a slightly furrier, miserable Xander with amber, catlike eyes.  “I decided to go as an alien Technomage.  Buffy and Willow chose human Technomages.”  Almost instantly the illusion reappears.  If Giles had to guess, he would assume that the boy’s feeling uncomfortable in his own skin, and no wonder.
        “There…might be a chance…” he begins, and he’s quickly interrupted.
        “Don’t.”  His voice breaks a little as he says it.  “Don’t give me false hope.  Please.  Don’t make cat jokes, don’t attempt to pet me, don’t—”
        He quickly stifles a sob.
        “If you don’t like it, you should mention it to them.”  The look of utter incomprehension he gets in response is slightly heartbreaking.
        He considers the situation briefly.  He had been planning on using them later, as a snack, but…
        “I am absolutely going to regret mentioning the biscuits—sorry, that’s cookies to you Americans—in my office, aren’t I?” he asks, and as much as he already does, the blindingly large grin is a good contrast.
        “Oh, absolutely, but…”  he fidgets, trying his best to look innocent.  “…I’ll only try to use them in emergencies?”
        Giles pauses before he enters his office, as a thought occurs to him.  “I’m…sorry for asking, but is chocolate all right for you now?”
        Xander pauses, taking stock.  “I feel fine?” is his eventual answer, and Giles tries not to sigh or polish his glasses as he retrieves the biscuits for the teenager.  He’ll attempt to not lecture, or at least, not lecture too strongly.