further rambles

[madimpossibledreamer]

 

Xander has an awkward relationship with the furry community, because while he could always stop using the illusion and blend in, he didn’t choose it.  So in the end he ends up feeling even weirder and less like he belongs.  Plus he gets jokes and teasing sometimes and it’s gotten really old.  He’s gotten over the misconception it’s just a fetish thing—for some it is, but not for everyone.  Mostly, he’s just sitting there a little bewildered and/or overwhelmed.

 

Xander from GDA has the same issue, only he’s still half-human, so that makes a difference to his mental state.  How do you remain human, hold on to what you were in the face of what you are?  Are there things worth discarding, things about humanity that make them, sometimes, the worst monster of all?  Who are you, but perhaps more importantly, who do you want to be?  On the surface of it, he seems to be dealing with it better, but GDA!Xander is so much better at denial.  This Xander is not bad at it, but he also has a temper like all wizards and they’re all having trouble coping with controlling the implants.  Fortunately, since they’re all having the same issues, and since emotions are important in controlling their powers, they actually have to get therapy because I said so.  (XDH!Xander also gets one eventually, I’m fairly sure.  As with that one, I think I decided an empath demon would probably be perfectly placed to both understand and be able to help. )  He wanted to be special, to be able to help Buffy, and didn’t quite realize how isolating it can be.  How much being ‘special’ can just make you alone.  And they get worse, Buffy, Willow, and Xander, because they’re all figuring it out as they go, trying not to misuse their powers, so they’ve basically got each other to rely on and few others, so they’ve got codependency and trauma and their own usual problems.  They all have some self-worth issues even ignoring the PTSD.

 

We’re sidestepping Angelus entirely, because Teep Angel is not going to miss a Kalderdash even if he’s usually wearing gloves.  I’m definitely writing something about that & one on them actually meeting Jenny but haven’t gotten there yet.

 

Hopefully, Xander will learn to stop stress testing people and trying to get them to leave because he thinks he doesn’t deserve love because he’s broken but also wants them to prove they won’t leave even if he has issues.  Also I might go with the ‘not repulsed but grey-ace’ Xander because I think that’s an interesting literary interpretation that I want to explore more.  (In general: he seemed to like the idea of sex and was horny, but the actual experience was much more in terms of what it meant on an emotional rather than a physical level for him.)  This will probably take him a bit to work through, particularly when coupled with the ‘I am suddenly a humanoid cat’ thing.  He’s already having a hard enough time suppressing the urge to hiss at Snyder or purr when he’s happy and/or upset.