Getting to the Same Page

[madimpossibledreamer]

Swapping days because Saturday is Halloween.
Cordy’s probably not going to change pronouns until Alex figures out whether they’re trans or genderfluid, because Alex is struggling with these concepts enough.  (Probably trans.)
why yakuza karaoke song lyrics? idk just let it happen

Main Points:
Buffy/Devil May Cry
Chapter Summary: Cordy will rescue Alex as many times as it takes.  Even if Alex isn't exactly cooperative.
Word Count: 1587
Rating: Teen
Warning: Uh...dysphoria?  Not sure, but it's dysphoria or dysphoria-adjacent.

         “How’s this one?”  A twirl for effect.
         “Eh, it flattens your boobs,” Cordy dismisses the choice with a wave of a hand, and Alex—
         Alex shrinks.
         Cordy is definitely a fan of her girlfriend’s body, and was thinking about what would be flattering, but Alexandria seems like she’s having an entirely different conversation.  She might have to reassess all those thoughts about how shy the half-devil is.  “Is…that the point?”
         Alexandria shakes her head, ignoring the question, walking away, but the mood is gone.  Light, hopeful excitement has turned into that downcast look the Slayer, if she ever felt like self-flagellation, would feel guilty about having caused so many times in the past.  But wishing has bad consequences sometimes and doesn’t get them anywhere most times and so she’d rather take a proactive approach to fix things now.  “I’ll just go get—”
         She is not wimping out of this conversation.  “Alexandria Hunter, you are going to have this conversation with me.”
         Alex shuffles back, unable to look her girlfriend in the eye, so something’s still wrong.  She’s still not saying anything.
         “Is that the point?” she asks again, soft and gentle, but with a persistence so that the geek knows she’s not giving this one up.
         No answer again, and then it occurs to Cordy what the problem might be.  “Let’s head outside for a bit.”
         “I can just go get—” Alex continues in the dead voice that she uses around her family.  The Slayer hates that voice.
         “Just put what we already picked up aside; we’ll be back,” she calls to the worker.  Not one of her old stores, where she didn’t even glance at the price.  She likes this place, too.  They don’t look at her funny when she brings in Alex or holds her hand.  They’re generally not snooty.
         She leads her by the hand up some back stairs that look like they haven’t been cleaned in weeks to a little corner that, as far as Cordelia knows, very few other people have found.  Maybe it makes her a bit of a cliché, but other than not being a guy, she’d been the typical bully pulling a girl’s pig-tails just because she wanted her target’s attention.  And once she didn’t have to worry about little things like keeping up appearances for girls that didn’t care about her anymore anyway, well, she could stop lying to herself and just go for what she wanted.
         Of course, it’s all backwards if it’s what she thinks it is.  Not that she’d really encountered much in Sunnydale, small towns being what they are, but she’s read the Watcher Files, and while they were totally against the idea it’s practically a recommendation given who they are.  And she’s fairly certain one of the people she’d run into, back when she was a jerk (well, no, that’s a lie; she’s still a jerk, more like less of one), had been like that.  She wants to apologize, but there’s no undoing who she’d been, so her best apology is actually being good and supportive now, particularly since it might be hard.
         “So, that was the point.  And fair enough, you don’t want to talk about it with other people who could overhear.”  She’s trying to be quiet and gentle, but Alex is still stuck.  Shakes her head quietly.  All the fire and life is gone.  She turns…well, she turns into her friend, Willow, except even quieter, even more scared, and more than anything she should feel safe.  Comfortable.
         “I must have forgotten to tell you this, but everyone is at their most attractive when they’re confident.  I’m going to buy the clothes you want, because I want you to feel good in them, and also because as you’ve said a thousand times I don’t have the money I used to and I don’t want to waste it on clothes you hate.”  The geek’s still curled up in on herself.  “News flash, honey.  I’m not dating a mannequin.”
         That gets Alex’s attention.  She glances up, eyes bright with unshed tears.
         “I didn’t take you out here to just put clothes on you I thought looked pretty.  I wanted you to get a wardrobe you can be proud of.  And if it’s less of an eyesore for me, that’s a plus, but really I’ve been good on my spending limit and just wanted to spoil you.  I won’t break up with you no matter what you choose because as nice as clothes are you are more than your outfit.”  She takes Alex’s hand and squeezes and the geek manages a smile, barely.  But still, no conversation.
         “Does this have anything to do with you almost having a panic attack about the dress?”  She’d looked good in it, but she’d looked like she was about to hurl, so maybe that was a moot point.
         “I don’t—”  If they were actually next to an opening, she almost thinks Alex would fly away.
         “Look, you might’ve forgotten, but I’m a Slayer.  You’re a half-devil.  You think anything about this is gonna scare me off?”  Personally, she finds it kind of exciting, but she’s still working on drawing Alex out of her shell and they can have that conversation later…way later, by the look of things.  “But I can’t tell you how you’re feeling because you’re the expert on you.  I want to make you feel safe to be you, whatever that means, and figure yourself out.  If that takes time, if it feels like I’m putting too much pressure on you, then obviously I’m failing massively and we can put off the conversation until you’re ready to have it.  I just want you to know that it’s a conversation we can have.”
         Shockingly, that works.  “I’m scared.”  She’s…actually shaking.  That’s a clear sign she’s actually upset.  Cordy pulls her into a hug.  “Why am I so scared?”
         “We can come back, if you want.  Would that help?” the Slayer offers, and her girlfriend shakes her head and burrows her head into Cordy’s shoulder.
         She starts muttering, almost stream-of-consciousness, like it’s going to hurt her if it doesn’t get out.  “I don’t…I know you like my body, but I don’t.  Jesse would talk about how I should show off my curves and I don’t feel good that I even have them.  I’d have to wear a dress for church, and I always felt…wrong.  Exposed.”
         “So, no dresses.  Probably no skirts.  Definitely a few of those bras you actually liked.”  The shaking lessens, just slightly, and she figures she’s on the right track.  “We can find some clothes that make you feel comfortable.  If you only like the baggy ones, that’s fine, though there are ways to show off your body without showing off your curves.”  Alex pulls back a little, and Cordy worries briefly that she’d messed up somehow until she sees the confusion dancing in her eyes.  And…maybe the littlest bit of hope?  “Angel’s leather pants,” she clarifies, and doesn’t bother to hide the smug smile as it clicks and Alex even giggles.  It’s scary to go back to the previous topic of conversation, but it has to be said.  “And I will do my absolute best to keep my hands off your boobs.”
         Alex goes back to scared and wary and downright confused.  “Why?  You like them.”
         “See: my previous speech about people being attractive when they’re confident.  I like you for you, not for one of your body parts.”  It’ll be a sacrifice, but it will definitely be worth it.  She’d meant the mental promise about not letting her fall, and if she’d been touching Alex all the time when she wasn’t into it?  That doesn’t feel good, and she won’t be able to un-learn that either (not that she’d want to).
         “…Huh.”  That’s Alex-speak for ‘I have no idea how to feel about this but I accept it’.  “So, I guess, we go back?”  Hunter moves back, but shyly grabs Cordy’s hand.
         “Right.  And if it gets too overwhelming and you want to leave, let’s just leave, okay?  None of this ‘sticking around to prove a point’ bullshit.”  She squeezes back and her girlfriend turns distinctly pink.  Which is adorable.
         As she’d expected, the worker is supportive and helpful when Cordy discreetly mentions looking at men’s clothing, and even gives some advice about the sports bras (don’t leave them on too long, don’t leave them on overnight) that had been passed on by another customer.  It takes a little while for the wariness to go away, but when it does, it’s breathtaking.  Alex just flashes a shy, happy smile when she tries on some flattering but not particularly feminine black jeans (they have pockets for one thing) and Cordy smiles back and it’s like a switch is flipped because the next thing Cordy knows there’s a growing mound of clothing.  She can’t possibly afford it all, and wasn’t expecting the slight goth touch (though maybe she should; there’s a strange correlation between demons and the leather/goth) look, but they finally manage to narrow it down to a couple of outfits mostly on sale.
         The happy, goofy, bouncy version is briefly stifled in the car when Alex suddenly realizes she can’t keep any of the clothes at home, but Cordy waves that off.  “You can just change before school.  I can keep them at my house or at school or whatever you want.”
         She’ll grow into a person she wants to be, and Cordy’ll be there every step of the way.