Prince of Persia: Sands of Time Game Review/Commentary 67

[madimpossibledreamer]

Please don’t break, computer.  I would appreciate.  Do I have to yare yare daze at you?  Orarararara.  How did that work?  Honestly, how did that even work? 

No thanks, I’m good.  Ha. 

Hello, Ubisoft. 

I don’t think I can mess with the sound from here.  What about that? 

Oh no.  Controller, please.  (Suddenly I sound more energetic/awake) 

‘Kay.  I’ll try restarting you and see what happens.  Absolutely nothing.  Drrrr. 

Did that help?  Nope. 

What about restarting?  Okay.  It might be doing something now.  (Troubleshooting, amirite?)  For some reason, restarting the game worked.

Oh, yeah, I’m here, without—with a cooler sword, and—well, meh.  (Reevaluating sword’s ‘coolness’.) 

I just hit myself in the knee with my setup.  That hurt.  Protip: don’t do that. 

I like the way he’s standing.  It’s like this kind of ‘ready for action’ stance. 

We’re here without the Dagger of Time, which means I can’t turn back time when I’m about to die, which is Problem.  Farah, you really should’ve thought about that.  I’m going to die about a million times before I get to you.  I mean, luckily I’ve been exposed to it enough that I can just go back through the same thing, but really, c’mon. 

There are these terrifying Babylonian bowls—thanks Camera.  These also kind of look Babylonian, which is nice.  Nice touch. 

I’ve got no idea where I’m going.  Give me a drink and don’t break my teeth while you’re doing it. 

I don’t think it’s this way—yeah, I don’t go this way, this is the way I get the sword.  I came back this way and fought the guys again.  So I assume there is something I have to do in this room?  Maybe? 

…Oh.  Oh, my health.  Oh, that is not good. 

Maybe I’ll look around for something to smack.  And randomly just start swinging at the wall.  That was actually on purpose, believe it or not. 

It’s pretty out here, but—hang on.  Hahaha.  Door. 

(The Prince screams.  No idea why.  Maybe reacting to the same thing I’m seeing.  I’m not sure.)  Oh that—that looks like loads of fun. 

Trust the wallrun?  Yes.  ‘kay. 

Thank you for not jumping again.  That would’ve been problematic.  Thank you for turning around. 

And there are more dudes, and if I die, that’d be great, but. 

Thank you for not knocking me off.  Oh my word, there’s more of you, help. 

I mean, luckily I didn’t—how is that even fitting in your scabbard at this point? 

Do I get water ever again?  I would appreciate.  How?  No, legit, like, how?  Oh dear. 

Done.  I’ll start the story from here next time. [Prince]  I’m still only 90%? 

I mean, granted, I didn’t make it that far, but.  Prince.  Help.  Oh. 

That’s a ledge.  Oh.  What?  What??  Oh.  Uh.  Eeehhh. 

Ohh.  Shimmy.  Shimmy is a thing. 

WATTTEEER.  Yes please.  Just give me all the water.  Thanks.  I needed that. 

Where?  Okay, so it is pretty much just right above me. 

(falls to his death) Yes, good.  That’s not how it happened. [Prince]  Well, if you’d work with me, Prince, this’d go a lot smoother. 

Well, that worked this time.  Weird. 

But, y’know, good question.  (What question?)

Great.  Bats.  I bet you anything.  And I bet you this is gonna fall, and Imma gonna die.  (Yep.  Bats.) 

Oh wait.  I bet I bounce to those, right beside me… 

That was…  That’s not… [Prince]  You didn’t even finish your scream.  Wow. 

Hey, Prince.  Thank you for not running off that. 

Prince.  Hey, Prince.  I realize it’s been a while, but could you not?  (10 days.) 

Just never take a breath of air.  Just keep drinking.  (Health advice brought to you by—no.  Don’t do that.) 

Really?  You landed on your head. 

How are you fine?  Prince?  How are you fine?  That fall should’ve killed you, and you landed on your head. 

No, it’s not easier from there, okay.  Just double-checking. 

Prince, could you stop doing that?  Please. 

How did I do it the last couple times?  *sigh* 

‘kay, it is pretty much right behind me. 

Okay, now you’re just staring at the wall instead of listening to me.  Great, thanks. 

Okay, now you want to listen to me. 

Those clouds look great.

I got a bunch of you in one fell swoop, you stupid rodents.  Have at thee!  Wait, why are there still—they didn’t fly away when there was three of them!  Conspiracy! 

Excuse, what?  Hang on, maybe if I go right here…no. 

Internet, help.  I do not see what I am supposed to be doing.  Help. 

Library.  It’s definitely not in the Halls of Lumul-nar.  I can tell you that.  (Root beer break.)  I still have the page in the Halls of Lumul-nar. 

Oh, great.  A changelog.  That’s not what I need.  I don’t want this. 

I want a place where someone can tell me where I’m actually supposed to go.  Hang on. 

What was my guard?  I seem to have forgotten what the button was.  Oh man, it took my— 

Oh.  Ohhhhh.  (Yes, I forgot all game how to guard and focused on dodging.  And water-ing when I couldn’t dodge.) 

…I might reload.  There was more water.  (Magic Possession Water, Activate!) 

(Root beer break.)  Actually. 

That didn’t happen. [Prince]  No, but it’s an easy way to reload.  Hang on.  …Actually, that wasn’t an easy way to reload.  Quit to main menu. 

You wish me to leave before finishing my story? [Prince]  Yes, because your story was wrong.  As you wish. [Prince] 

And Farah, come back. 

Okay, apparently I go over here?  Not that way!  Oh.  No.  Thank you, Prince.  ‘Kay. 

There’s a door.  With a white symbol.  Where am I supposed to go? 

Oh.  I might need to grab this lever.  Oh. 

…Really?  That killed you?  That killed you?  Excuse you, what?  …Oh, that could be because you have no health.  (I didn’t heal-water this go around.) 

Oh.  I guess that’s fine. 

I’ve never had to break something to get in here.  I don’t think.  I think that’s new.  (Or I’ve missed it the previous times it did that.)