How the Miyamoto Family Stole Christmas
Dec. 25th, 2019 10:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
madimpossibledreamerBrace yourself for incoming wall of author's notes!
You might want to check out yesterday's post for background stuff.
Ani-san here is the this world equivalent of One-san. Instead of yakuza wife it’s yakuza husband. It's used to refer to Cordy because she's playing the part of husband. otto is husband, dan'na is playful "boss" for husband.
-gumi is family. -kai is clan. shimai = young yakuza, aneki = higher rank yakuza. in, y'know, alternate world female terms.
reminder of names: Inoue Yuu is Andrew, and she (genderbent version) is more informal even as a lieutenant, hence referring to mostly everyone as -chan. Akiyama Yoko is Willow, and she's a matriarch. Miyamoto Suna is Xander, also a matriarch. Hayama Nijiha is Aura, one of Cordy's closest friends, and yes, canon, and yes, coming in Slayer's Mad Whelp. Some of these characters are Japanese versions of characters you haven't met yet in Slayer's Mad Whelp. Amaya-kai is the yakuza clan Buffy runs.
I can't figure out what matriarchs are called, so went with -sama as the respectful honorific. -san likewise is used for lieutenants by those who are actually more formal about things.
Hyena is spelled the katakana way.
I admit this is partially inspired by Like a Butterfly by ChesMaster on AO3-a fantastic slice-of-life in the Majima family which spontaneously and awesomely develops plot. check it out if you're interested in Majima and how him even running a family works but be prepared to get sucked in and read all the chapters in one sitting
Main Points:
Buffy/Yakuza AU
Chapter Summary: pretty much what it says on the tin
Word Count: 1618
Rating: Teen (yakuza level violence in that people are hurt but are fine)
Inoue-chan never likes visiting Akiyama-gumi headquarters. It always gives her the creeps, the way it feels like someone’s always watching her and judging her and knowing every step she’s going to make. But if her matriarch says so, she’ll go.
Aoki-chan’s new, but she’s just as fierce as any Miyamoto-gumi. She’s not smartly intimidated by the Akiyama-gumi, either.
“Were you leaving already? Without partaking of our hospitality?” She knows that voice. She doesn’t want to turn or acknowledge it, but knows that ignoring a matriarch of a family no matter how intimidated she is is a terrible idea that’ll get her stabbed or cursed at best.
“My apologies, Akiyama-sama, but Miyamoto-sama wanted this information quickly…” She hopes and prays that this gets her out of any tea ceremony obligations, because the Akiyama matriarch’s tea ceremonies are legendary, and not in the ‘you must try it’ way, but more like ‘you need to avoid it at all costs to save your soul’ way.
“Oh, of course. I wouldn’t want to cause any strife with your matriarch.” Akiyama-sama is smirking. “I just thought I would share an interesting piece of information before you go. Your Ani-san’s been with you, what, for half a year now?”
It’s a bit longer, and of course the Queen of Blackmail knows that probably down to the precise minute, but Miyamoto Cordelia has been settling down nicely. Then again, Akiyama-sama had been rather unhealthily interested in Ani-san’s power and how it worked.
“What’s it to you?” Aoki-chan asks belligerently, and despite the fact that Inoue-chan doesn’t like to hurt people usually she makes an exception this one time to smack Aoki-chan, hard, into the ground, before the matriarch can decide on an even more violent response. Fortunately, she seems amused by the display, so Aoki-chan might get to keep her pinky or soul intact. This time.
“Well, around this time of year, Christmas is a much bigger celebration for Westerners than it is in Japan. Perhaps you can show you care by trying to have a more Western Christmas.” With that, Akiyama-sama giggles, waves, and disappears into the dark like she’d never been there.
It’s an…odd idea. But then, they’re around the beginning of December, so the thought can stew in Inoue-chan’s head a little more. In the meantime, she has to get their new recruit as intact as possible back to Miyamoto-gumi’s headquarters. Which includes but is not limited to a lecture about how to act around matriarchs, particularly matriarchs that don’t happen to be Miyamoto-sama, as acting out at one of the Amaya-kai’s gatherings not only loses Aoki-chan face, it loses the entire family and their matriarch face, so really, don’t.
Miyamoto yawns as she stumbles out of her room. She blinks and rubs her eye as something catches her eye, but the sight doesn’t change. There are still cookies covering every available surface in the hideout. Her mind is stuck between two contrasting impulses. She’s tempted to eat everything. She’s also actually kind of scared of what will happen when the rest of her Family find and eat all the sugar. Maybe it was something Akiyama-san said to her lieutenant? She thought Inoue-chan had been acting a little weird ever since her last visit to Akiyama-gumi headquarters.
“What is going on?” Ani-san asks faintly. Inoue-chan had been hoping to keep this a secret, but then, she supposes, it’s hard to hide it when the tree won’t even fit inside the headquarters garage door.
She follows that up with a second question, “…Did you steal that tree?” that Yuu figures is more of a rhetorical question than anything and thus doesn’t merit a response.
“I think we might need to teleport it inside,” she decides. And probably clean up the glass from several broken ornaments considering none of them were bright enough to undecorate it before dragging it a couple miles to HQ.
“You probably should tell Miyamoto-san,” she suggests, but she actually looks amused at this point.
Telling Miyamoto-sama is…well, it’s always a daunting proposition. Because sometimes she loses her temper when she’s told things she doesn’t like, but hiding things is sometimes dangerous too… Maybe she’ll think about it tomorrow.
Now that she knows, there’s no point in hiding things, so Inoue-chan finds Ani-san and shoves a glass at her. “Does this taste like eggnog?”
Ani-san raises an eyebrow at her. “You know you can buy that, right?”
Inoue-chan feels deeply insulted. Forget her status as a yakuza, her pride as a chef has been wounded.
It’s shockingly easy to get the snow. Fuyuki had contracted with a yuki-onna, who delights at the thought of bringing the wintry season to Miyamoto-gumi headquarters. Even their tiny pond is covered in ice. Hayama-san runs out, sword actually in hand, which is a really, really weird sight to see from their other lieutenant. Though, come to think of it, the lieutenants were the oddballs in this whole mess, being the level-headed, not overly-violent ones. It’s hard to tell if that’s accidental or all the work of the Haiena’s secret genius. “Okay, who’s attacking?”
“We’re trying to bring Ani-san Christmas,” Aoki explains. “Akiyama-sama suggested it, and it seems like a good idea.”
“Are you sure Ani-san wouldn’t just prefer a quiet Japanese couple’s Christmas with Miyamoto-sama?” Hayama-san asks, eyebrow raised, and…actually, that’s a really good question.
“She would’ve stopped us if she didn’t want it to happen?” Fuyuki sounds like she’d tried to be definitive with her response, but it just ends up sounding like a question instead.
Hayama-san sighs. “Now that you baka have got it into your heads, you’re not about to stop, are you?”
Aoki tries to look as charismatic and innocent as possible.
“You’re all lucky Miyamoto-sama’s going to be gone on a mission for the Chairwoman for a few weeks,” Hayama-san continues, but then, to their shock, grins. “If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it right.”
Fuyuki’s pretty sure she’s never been afraid of either of their lieutenants before.
They now have a few snowwomen holding various weapons, plus a couple ice sculptures. It was Hayama-san’s idea to have life-size ice sculptures of their various irezumi. Hayama-san’s kurasu tengu is definitely intimidating, but Aoki thought to catch her finger on the Haiena’s fang and leave her blood there as a tribute.
They need to replace the broken ornaments, and it turns out that an entire string of lights won’t work after one got broken. They traumatized practically everyone in the department store. Most of the workers, Inoue-chan is pretty sure, were convinced the entire time that the whole thing was a cleverly disguised collections run, so she leaves extra and tells them to keep the change. She’s not sure she even wants to know what Ayako-chan and Nashi-chan got up to in Aisle 8, though it vaguely reminds her of one of the Required Viewing Nights in which they watched a Western movie about ghosts and slime.
Tsuya-chan, it turns out, has an uncle who taught her the unladylike art of crocheting. She soon has a bunch of the younger recruits desperately trying to keep up with her pace and instructions, and a few fail and from the punishment get a little blood on the yarn, but overall the ugly sweaters turn out all right, and given the subject matter it’s okay if they’re not exactly correct. Some of the shimai like the sweaters so much they wear them out on missions, and even a few of the aneki get in on it. They put in more effort when they get pissed that the sweaters get blood on them, so whatever. It’s good for family morale.
They stop just short of causing a turf war from extra collections, but really, money for presents has to come from somewhere, and despite some fictional depictions, they don’t just pluck money out of thin air or from trees.
Inoue-chan winces a little. Their efforts at caroling could be better. At least everyone has a decent idea of how to at least pronounce English thanks to the Required Viewing Nights, but there are an unfortunate number of tone-deaf members of the Miyamoto-gumi.
“Your women have been attempting to make me a Western Christmas, dear,” Ani-san states sharply, and Inoue-chan shuffles a little, feeling small. She’s not…upset, is she? She appreciates the work and effort, right? And Miyamoto-sama…she’s not mad, right?
Though that stiff, unyielding pose doesn’t usually bode well, and—and—
“We can try to put the tree back,” Inoue-chan offers hesitantly. Nijiha-chan closes her mouth.
That sets Miyamoto-sama off, slapping her knee and roaring with laughter. Which…still doesn’t indicate whether anyone’s getting stabbed at the end of this.
Then their one-eyed matriarch glances up with a Cheshire cat grin almost wider than anything Inoue-chan has ever seen on her, and that’s definitely terrifying coupled with the manic look in the lone eye. “I love it. New Miyamoto-gumi tradition.” She turns to her otto. “You didn’t mention how you felt, dan’na.”
“I didn’t want them to get in trouble for trying to please me,” Ani-san responds, a smile beginning to grow on her face.
“Oh, please. They’re allowed to spoil you silly,” Miyamoto-sama waves that off easily. “Now. I’ve been hearing rumors about how my women have been running even more wild than normal. Tell me everything. And teach me how to ice skate.”
The lieutenants exchange a glance, before Nijiha-chan responds slowly. “We’ll have to commandeer a public park. Our pond’s too small. But we’re Miyamoto-gumi, so that’s easy.”
“That’s the spirit!” Miyamoto-sama cheers, and, yeah, this is probably going to turn into a very public family outing, but ‘tis the spirit of the season, right? Inoue-chan can’t wait.
