Prince of Persia: Sands of Time Game Review/Commentary 17

[madimpossibledreamer]

 

I’m just going to keep running onto this button.

I’m sorry, Princess, I accidentally wandered a little too close to the save—please don’t tell me it closed the door while I was out.  …It did.  …And it hurt me??  Princess.  How did you shoot me and try to steal my Dagger when the door was closed?  How???  That’s some talent right there, Princess, but also, what.

That’s the wrong direction, Prince.  Up.  …Hey, Operatives.  (the joy of obscure references)  Oh good, I get to see a wall.

Nothing to say again, Princess?  I like how your skin tone is back to closer to what you were in the cutscene, but also, seriously, lady, what are you doing?

Whee!  It gives me great joy to make you look up and watch me as I do acrobatics.  You just stare at me.  /laughs  They make her head move.  And it is one of the greatest things.  I am easily amused by some things, admittedly, but also this is fun.  And it is a change from the death traps--*sighs*  Like right there.  It’s not actually one of the bad ones.  Pits of spikes are easy compared to some things. 

…Is this actually around the corner, Farah, because the camera lost its mind.  Aww, I was going to watch you do it.  Because I’m curious.

This is pretty.  There’s a plain out there with mountains and actual plains and there’s sand everywhere we look—they’re all doomed.  So I did a bad.  Doesn’t everyone?  You know, I probably should’ve waited for my Father to actually say ‘Yeah, sure, put that dagger in, I want to see what the Sands of Time do’ before I actually did it.  Because I shouldn’t be listening to a random Vizier from a random town that—why were we even trusting him?  (Because he supposedly ‘switched sides’.)  If he was from you guys, you got…sorry about killing a bunch of people that you probably cared about, but we also conquered you.  Why are we listening to your Vizier?  Why did we listen to him in the first place?  I think I’m missing crucial parts of the story.  (Yes.  You are.  Cutscenes are there for a reason friend.)  I’d ask the Prince to enlighten me, but I think he’s ignoring me at the moment.

A zoo.  Am I going to have to fight a sand-elephant?  Because let me tell you—I am not looking forward to fighting a sand elephant or a sand tiger.  A sand tiger is probably deadlier, but.

I thought that was actually mist, but no, it’s just sand everywhere.  That would explain the…

Monkey?  Farah, did you actually trap me in this corner, because if you did, let me tell you…Farah.  I’m going to climb up here.  Because, really, why would you trap me there?  You’re just lucky this is a platformer and I can escape.

There’s a monkey, and a—did you try to trap me again?  There’s a monkey, and a lion, and a really-terrifying looking elephant and another monkey and—okay, so it’s repeating again.  The lion looks like it actually has fangs.  Like, I don’t know, huge snake fangs.  Probably that’s what sand tigers-slash-lions actually look like?  I don’t know.  I don’t actually know what sand does.

I can’t vault over you.  I’m actually kind of sad about this.  We could do crazy acrobatics, like you could throw me, and I could throw you, and *sigh*.

Nope.  Can’t climb that.  Also, there’s no bell.  (What.)  Can I vault over you guys?  Nope.

Princess?

Oh, I can.  I just have to be careful because they have giant dagger things.

I miss my health.  I like my health.

I mean, I could try, but I—yeah.  I could attempt to grab onto something up there, but Prince just doesn’t want to do it, so.  I could also attempt to climb this tree, but—the tree is too big, apparently.

Don’t worry, but this lion statue full of sand is nice and friendly and not going to kill me.

…Why is there grass and trees up here when you can’t get up here normally?  Or is there actually a ladder somewhere?  …There’s probably a ladder somewhere that they store and use when they need to.

I can climb this tree.  Never mind, I can probably—This is so pretty.  Awful, but pretty.

I didn’t actually hear what you said.  You should speak up.

Also, if this lion comes to life and eats me, I’ll have you know—I get to climb on grating!  I don’t actually know the technical term for that.

I love how you say that with such confidence.

Why did you do that, Prince?  There is nothing but a sheer drop beneath you.  You are a braver man than I.  Also, can you climb this?  I really wanna see if we can climb this.  …We can wallrun up the lion statue?  I am amaze.

There’s something green over there.  I have saved, so why don’t we go check it out, Prince?  Or not.  Never mind.  Fine.  Let’s go the way that we already found, then.

And all that sound.  It’s all bout that sand, bout that sand, bout that sand.  Or something along those lines.

Oh, hey, a convenient branch for me to swing on like a monkey.  I am in fact part monkey.  That’s how this works.

Actually, are you down there, Farah?  Farah, where are you—you’re down there, hi!  Just watch me swing from this.  If I fall, lose your mind.  Please?  …Hey, you actually sound happy for me, for once.

They didn’t.  They’re evil gargoyle things.  …Oops, I just used sand on accident.  I don’t know, what is this for?

I can’t actually see what you’re aiming at, so.

Fine.  I forget I have to jump to get up.  (what.)

They look like evil heron-ibises.  Stop that.  I have barely any health as it is.  I just always end up with the sickle part left.

Can I stab it?  Farah, this is concerning.  Farah, I’ve discovered something.  This rock is actually made of metal.  It’s not real rock.  Because it makes a metallic sound and sparks as I hit it.  What about the ground?  …I can’t stab the ground.  Farah, this is concerning.  What about this rock?  Farah.  I’m concerned.

There’s something in there.  I don’t know how to get in there, though.  There’s not even a hole in the roof.

Well, this is most certainly a trap.  Oh, wait.  There’s a box.  Box, Farah.  Box.  And some straw, that makes leaves come out.  (when you run on it)  They’re green leaves, but the straw is yellow. 

…I accidentally broke the stool by sitting on it.  This is why we don’t talk about my weight, Farah, just so you know.