Prince of Persia: Sands of Time Game Review/Commentary 9

[madimpossibledreamer]

 

Oh hey, I can do it without—

Can you help me restart the palace’s defense system?  *warily* I can try.  …Why are you British?  Okay.  Your description leaves much to be desired.  What.  What are you talking about?  What.  Um.  Could you explain a little more?  Your explanation made no sense.

Prince, told you, we have to work together.  This doesn’t help us.

You really didn’t give me much direction here.  I’m really just working off of my brain.  I really don’t know what you’re talking about.  Yosuke and I are just trying to do what we can.

Well, I’m glad I meet your approval, sir.

Can I do ‘em one at a time, or is that not allowed?

That’s his saying Look Out.  Also, don’t walk off the platform, Prince, we’re running out of tries.

I’m having you solve this for me, because you’ve given me no direction, and I’m feeling salty.

Okay, fine.  So I’m not supposed to pick up either of those, so I have to go back to the beginning—Prince, why are you doing that?

See, I’d design it so you could just pick it up and move it to various places.  …Who designed this?  Can I speak to your manager?  This makes no logical sense; why is this here?  Who designed this?

Ohh.  Sometimes you gotta go left before you can go right.  (Seriously, if anyone’s catching all the references I will be very happy.)  Ohhh, that makes so much more sense.  I did look at a hint, because I had no idea.

Also, why does this have a corona?  It’s not a sun.

Also, who do you sound like?  You sound like someone I know.

The camera recentered itself because it’s having a seizure.  These light things made it have a seizure for whatever reason.  Then again bright lights do cause seizures in many individuals.

Seriously, who designed this?  As a puzzle it’s kind of interesting.  As a whatever-this-is is… (security system, cutscenes and exposition are there for a reason, pay attention)

(At his enthusiastic response to me finishing I just started laughing and then choking.)  Your voice cracked, sir, and it’s bringing a tear to my eye.  I’m sorry, his voice cracking is just funny.

That’s it!  You did it! (enthusiastic security guy)  You could’ve given me more thorough instructions and it would’ve happened a lot faster.  That’s a weird…

What—what platform?  You mean, the thing this is extended to?  (bridge.  It’s called a bridge.)

What lever?  I don’t see one?  Unless there’s…Oh, there’s a ladder.

My ability to climb ladders without jumping off, sir.

By god, they’ll rue the day they attacked the palace of Azad!  (enthusiastic and soon-to-be-dead security guy)  Which god?

Wait, wait, are you—are you dying, where?  Uh-oh.  Are you okay, sir?  Do you need assistance?  How can I help you?  …What is your problem?  …Ow.

Yay for more sand.  I kind of forgot how to not sheathe my sword during the middle of combat, so I had a little trouble.

Did you turn into a sand monster?  Is that what happened?  Sir?  Sir?  Are you still up there?  You know what, I’m going to go check.  It’s only the right thing to do, after all.  It’s the Princely thing to do.  Sir, are you okay?  Well, he’s not up here anymore, and I saw him jump down, and the sand monster kind of looked like him…I’m sorry.  It’s better than living as a sand monster, though, let’s be real.

Ooh, pretty, gardens.  I…dive through him?  What is happening?

Seriously, Yosuke, what are you doing?

Why did I help that madman?  I don’t know.  Also, why did they design this?

Walk very slowly, thank you, I would never have guessed.  Is this slow enough for you?  …Apparently not.  By very slowly, does it mean slow down time?  …Apparently not.  Can I jump over them maybe?  …No.  Thankfully, I just saved.  I might as well try.  Nope.

What have I done?  It wasn’t mostly you; it was the crazy man.

You know, I’m just going to ignore their advice about spikes and just follow behind the spiky pole.

….That…wasn’t the way to go.  As you can hear by all the spikes.

Hahahaha, you can wall run over them.

I’m going to ignore the ‘walk very slowly’ because I feel like that’s impossible, because it’s not even possible with the slow down time walk.

Do they cut my hands?  Please tell me they do not cut my hands.

Down.  Down, boy. 

Oh, hey, they don’t cut my hands.  Hahaha, nice.

Oh, what is this madness?  What is this madness, why—(this is Sparta.)

I think I see what we have to do, but it’s going to be hard, so you’re going to have to work with me on this, Prince.  ‘Kay?  ‘Kay.

Did you just decide to stop moving?  Thank you.  Thank you.

The saws just stopped moving.  I feel very paranoid about this, Prince, what about you?  Let’s get moving before they start up again.  I do not trust them.  …Huh, they did not come back, but I still don’t trust them.  What are you?  What am I supposed to do here?  What.  Why did I come to a locked door?  *takes out sword and starts hitting* Open says-a-me.  I will hit you until you open.  Oh.  My word.  Please don’t tell me this is timed.  (Sorry, it’s timed.)  This feels like this is timed.  Prince, Prince.  I think we have to go back.  And do this again.  I think we have to go back and do this again.  I’m having a crisis of identity right now, what about you?  And like everything you find is safe—I should’ve felt paranoid about that.  It’s all evil.  Why would you build this?  Who in their right minds would build this?  This isn’t even security measures.  This is just insanity.  Who would build this?  Leonardo da Vinci would not build this.  Who in their right minds would build this?  Prince, I am so sorry, but you are probably going to die horribly.  …Why are you just lying there?  (I did not realize that you had to hit the jump button to get up.)

I forgot about the spike area.  We are going to die to the spike area because we can’t afford this.  We need water.

But I didn’t pull the thing yet.  So we’re not timed, so we don’t have to hurry.  D-pad is also very hard.  To be fair.  We can’t afford to lose health to this.

Why did I help that madman? With a British accent.  Where are we?  …Also, fine, kill me.  Kill me dead.  Where did they get a guy with the British accent?  Where are we?  Where in the world is Azad?  (I feel very compelled to finish that with ‘Carmen Sandiego, which is probably why I paused before saying Azad in the first place.)