On Memory and Identity

[madimpossibledreamer]

Main Points:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer AU
Summary: Alex and Buffy talk about everything and anything (it's the first actual conversation he's managed to get her to have with him).
Word Count: 1400
Rating: Gen

           Buffy gasps and smacks his arm when he joins her walking home.  He winces, because it seriously hurts, but then, if she’d used her full force he probably would have a broken arm.  “Don’t do that, Xander.”
           “It’s…Alex, actually,” he corrects, rubbing his arm and wincing.  “I should figure out some obvious way of showing who’s in charge.”  He sees her stance change.  Become less open.  “I actually had two things I wanted to talk to you about.  The first…you’re really not comfortable with me, are you?”
           “That’s not…” she stammers, but they both know the truth.
           “The whole multiple personality thing is too close to vampires, maybe?” he guesses, and at her flinch knows he guessed correctly.  “I’m sorry about this, but Xander needs me.”
           She purses her lips.  “Yeah, because Willow and I are absolutely useless.”
           He shrugs nonchalantly, because Xan agrees, the statement is ridiculous and passive-aggressive and there’s no reason for it.  “For this, absolutely.”  He mirrors her wording with a humorless grin, due to the irony.  “I know you’re new in town, and from the couple times we’ve been to L.A., we know it’s not the same.  You’re upset that you have to live this life.  Well, we’ve been living it since we were born, only we didn’t know it.  And now we do.  The only thing that changed was the knowing.  You got to live a relatively normal life for, what, fourteen years?  That sounds awfully nice.” 
           He has to get across the point.  It might be harsh.  But she needs to remember it, needs to impress it into her mind. 
           “The people around here might be oblivious, but in the end that doesn’t mean that we’re still not living in fear.  You might notice that it’s hard to get shopping done around here.  That’s because most businesses close between three to five.  People try not to be out after dark if they can help it.  I only ever went over to hang out at Willow’s late if I was going to stay over.  People only get declared missing for a month, two, before they have the funeral with an empty casket.  Because most people never show back up again.  People are lucky if they get to bury a body, though you have to get used to the idea that one day the grave might be desecrated, because vampires or zombies or whatever.  You rarely visit the graves of people you knew, because you don’t want to face that.”  He’s half talking to himself now, the lines between Alex and Xan crossing, the accent muted in the face of such horror.  “But you hang out in the graveyards.  There’s not much elsewhere, right?  Besides the Bronze, and I have no idea why it’s the one exception to the hours of business thing.  You know at least one person in every single graveyard, and you differentiate between them all by the lists of the dead.  You know, we had no clue it wasn’t normal to have an obituary in your school newspaper?”  He wraps his arms around himself.  “And sure, okay.  Some other vampire killed Jesse and left a hollow shell, but I still have to deal with the fact that it was my hand on the stake that removed him from existence entirely.  So when I say that Xan needs me, I mean it.”
           He sighs heavily.  Buffy is still looking a little shell-shocked.  “And Will—Will wants to pretend that she’s got no clue who Jesse was.  It’s not like I can talk about it.  Not to her.  But—I can be there for Xan.”
           She nods, jerkily.  She’s still processing.  A thought occurs to her.  “Why did you think hours were longer in L.A.?”
           “Big city,” he explains lightly with a shrug.  “It’s not until you started telling stories that we realized any of this wasn’t normal.”
           She nods and gathers herself together.  It’s admirable, but then, he does admire her, even if he doesn’t feel quite the same about her that Xander does.  “You said two things.”
           He swallows.  The moment is uncomfortable, but then, he promised himself he’d go through with it.  “Xan and I, we share almost all the same memories, but not all.  I just found out that if we want to conceal some thoughts with each other, we can.  I…”  He shifts.  She smiles, because apparently him acting like a moron is very Xander-like and puts her at ease.  “I know what Xan wanted, but I…”  He wrings his hands, biting his lip.  “He’s probably not wrong that you knowing won’t help, but I feel like you deserve to know.  I—we remember.”
           It takes her a few seconds to realize what he’s saying.  She pales.  “You—why—”
           “Xan’s feeling guilty and embarrassed.  Which, on one hand, he was possessed, but at the same time…”  He has trouble verbalizing it.  He knows it’s dear old Tony’s influence telling Xander some problematic behaviors are fine, and just like the Sunnydale Daily Life stuff, he’s got no actual indicator of what normal actually is.  But he really is uncomfortable with it all.  “…At the same time, I still feel you deserved the truth.”
           She’s definitely troubled, but the unfocused, thoughtful way her eyes are narrowed says she’s thinking back over everything.  For someone with the ‘dumb blonde’ act, she really is anything but dumb when she puts her mind to it.  “When he hesitated, long enough for me to escape.  That was you.”
           He worries his lip more.  “Yes.”
           “Thank you.”  She puts an arm around herself.  “What was it like?” she asks suddenly, hesitant but curious.
           That startles a laugh from him.  “What, being possessed?”
           She nods, and—yeah, of course, she has to wonder.  Some part of her must be morbidly curious about what it’s like to become a vampire.  It might be similar.
           “I was more…myself, but then, I wasn’t in charge of the body when we were possessed,” he states and watches her shiver a little at the reminder.  “It’s mostly like…all those ‘I shouldn’t act on these’ thoughts you have, that barrier between thought and action just melts away.  And of course there are some things that the possessor wants, too.  She was the matriarch, so she wanted control.”  He hesitates.  He’s not sure she’ll want to hear this.  “You didn’t have a hyena spirit, but she thought of you and Willow as pack, too.  She just needed to make sure you knew the hierarchy, and Xan…didn’t fight it as much as he should have.”  In a burst of courage, he adds, “…He likes you.”
           Buffy’s face scrunches up, confirming his idea that she’d known and was trying to pretend not to.  “You say that like you don’t,” she points out, and he smiles shyly.
           “Well, I like you, but just as a friend.  I…” he reddens, and knows she’s definitely enjoying it.  He supposes after today, a little embarrassment is fine if it makes her life a little better, given what has happened to her.  What he’s been responsible for.  “I might have a slight crush on Willow.”
           She gasps and claps her hands.  “Why haven’t you said anything?”
           He smiles faintly.  “I’m not the one she likes, Buffy.”
           She blinks and her excitement fades.  “Oh.  Well, she might—” she starts, and he shakes his head.
           “Xander’s the one she’s known and fallen for.  And it’s not like it’s anything more than a silly little crush.  Really, it’s fine.”  She pats his cheek patronizingly, and they both burst out laughing, like little children. 
           “Thanks, Alex.” 
           She really does feel better, so he has to add, “I made him another promise.  Well, more like, we made each other another promise.”  She’s looking a lot more encouraging, so he continues.  “If either of us is going to do something stupid, like hurt each other, we’ll be there to stop…each other,” he finishes lamely, because that really hadn’t been the best worded, had it?
           She nods.  “Well, at least I can reassure myself that your dating life has to be even weirder than mine, given that…well, you and Xander sharing a body and having different tastes in people has to be hard to navigate.”
           He pouts and rolls his eyes.  “Yes, Buffy, ta for that.”
           She giggles again.  In the end, it seems that she’s going to be just fine, and so are they.