A Story About Guilt

Main Points:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Assassin's Creed (Every Beginning)
Summary: Xander shares one of the first times he struggled with religion.
Word Count: 270
Rating: Teen

        “The first time I thought ‘God’s gonna hate me’, I was just a kid. The way Lent was explained to me was ‘you give up something you really really like to prove to God that you can live without it’, and I had three things I really really liked: Willow, Jesse, and chocolate. I thought about giving up Jesse or chocolate, but then I decided that would be cheating, because I definitely liked Willow better than chocolate, and if I was feeling like giving up Jesse then maybe I was trying to weasel my way out of that one, too. I couldn’t do it, though; Willow looked really sad and after, like, a week, she cornered me and said she thought I hated her, and I was like, okay, well, I’m going to be damned, but maybe I can do some Hail Marys and it’ll be okay, because I can’t do this to her. I came up to my mama all teary eyed and explained, and she kind of laughed and dried my tears and told me she didn’t think God would be disappointed, but I could talk to the priest when we drove to L.A. for the next Sunday service just to be sure. And I was told it was all fine but I could say some Hail Marys if I didn’t feel like I could forgive myself, and that helped, but it didn’t really get better after that, because I’ve been thinking that off and on ever since, even if I’m also pretty sure God doesn’t make mistakes and therefore all of this is part of the plan."