A Fundamental Misunderstanding

[madimpossibledreamer]

IN OTHER NEWS DR STRANGE IS AMAZING
~DREAMER~

Main Points:
Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Jojo Pantheon?  I don't know what to name this universe.  Still probably crack.  Or something.
Summary: The stranger follows Kakyoin home.
Word Count: 1023
Rating: Gen
Notes: Yeah, the line about being dead?  That's pretty much what this entire thing was written for, though I was having too much fun to let it go.  Also the butter knife.  That line I actually read in OVA Jotaro's voice.  It was pretty great.

             He hears a knock and goes to look at the peephole, but is interrupted.  “You left your bags, you know.”  It’s that seductively smooth voice.
             “U-uh.”  Right now, cognitive functions have ceased functioning.
             An entire minute passes by.  Two.  “Look, are you going to let me in or not?”  The voice is beginning to sound annoyed.  “I cleaned up the broken eggs.  You’re welcome.”
             “O-oh, sorry.”  He opens the door but doesn’t unchain it, staring out at a visage he’d already begun to second-guess, and unimpressed green eyes roll at him.
             And suddenly the man is gone.  Kakyoin entertains the thought that he just ran away really quickly before realizing he hears no footsteps.  He wonders for a second whether the sinkhole really had opened, just a bit mistargeted, but there’s no hole in the balcony outside.
             So he turns around—maybe he really did need that time off after all—and has the slightest of heart attacks.  The man’s more attractive closer up, with a few unruly curls escaping the hat and a pout that threatens Kakyoin’s sanity.
             On second glance, that’s a scowl, which means he’s already slipping.  But then, a Greek god had just teleported into his apartment, so losing his mind is probably justified.
             “H-how did you get in?”  The man may be really attractive, but if what just happened is any indication, this guy was really dangerous.  He scrabbles in the silverware drawer.
             The man stares at him and then snorts, a hint of a smirk appearing on his face, and Kakyoin questions whether it’s normal to find something so absolutely terrifying gorgeous.  Like admiring a T-rex before it eats you alive.  And that was yet another train of thought that didn’t need to go anywhere right now.
             “A butter knife?  Really?” the man asks, shaking his head with a that the best you can do? attitude.  He sets the bags carefully on the counter.
             “Wh-what do you want?”  He holds the knife carefully; it’s the only thing keeping him sane right now.
             “You’re dead,” the guy says bluntly, and at first Kakyoin takes that as a threat.
             So he stabs the Greek god, because he’s scared and not thinking properly, and the Greek god rolls his eyes and pulls it out.  The form flickers like the afterimage of a car’s lights, turning…well, itself, but shadowy.  There’s no blood, not even a scratch.  Like nothing happened.  “What—?” he stammers, backing away until he hits the counter.  The pain barely registers.
             “Yare yare daze, couldn’t any of you be less cliché?  Jiji wonders why I don’t enjoy my job, but it’s always the same old shit.”  He pulls on his hat, glancing away.  “I’m Death.  Blah blah blah.  You’re seeing me, so you’re dead.”
             Kakyoin’s legs don’t hold his own weight anymore, but fortunately he can prop himself against the counter.  His heartbeat echoes like the loudest drums in his ears.  “I don’t believe you.  Why would Death be such an Adonis?”
             That earns a raised dark eyebrow.  A little more novel, maybe, although Kakyoin can’t see why all his ‘victims’ hit on him.  Are most of them blind?  No, wait, plenty of people with eyesight die…  “It’s not my job to baby you, just keep you safe until you get to where you need to be going.”
             “I’m not dead,” Kakyoin realizes.  He can’t be, if his heart is still rabbiting around like a crazed bunny. 
             “That’s what they all say,” Death responds, bored.  It sounds like he’d desperately want this to be over because he’s bored to tears as much as a stoic god can cry.  And Kakyoin has to admit, it certainly sounds cliché, but unless he’s missing something, he’s not wrong.
             “Yeah, I get that, but—I have a pulse.  Here.”  All his earlier nervousness is gone, and he grabs one of those strong hands and puts it to his wrist.
             He can tell the minute that Death comes to the same conclusion, although from the way he’s boring holes into Kakyoin with his eyes he’s looking at the soul or something, not the heartbeat, because he instantly goes from bored to…interested.
             Which is enough for Kakyoin to remember his earlier nervousness.
             “The hell?” he asks, pushing the cap up to see properly and circling Kakyoin in an attempt to understand.  It’s kind of prowly, but Kakyoin’s brain is having issues figuring out whether he’s supposed to be turned on or just really relieved about his status of existence right now.
             “So I’m not dead?” Kakyoin asks, just because it’s good to be sure about these things.
             “Maybe the Old Man knows,” Death muses, the smirk returning.  It’s terrifying to have all this attention focused on him, but…kinda addicting too.
             “…Old Man?” he asks.
             “Joseph, though that’s not the name he goes by for humans.  I forget what he picked, but it’s probably something stupid.  He’s my gramps, patron of adventurers, and he’s part of the triangle marriage if that means anything to you.”  He shrugs.  “Guess you’ll be hanging around for a little longer.  Anybody who’ll know me for more than a day’s earned my name, I guess.  If you want, you can call me Jotaro, or Jojo.”
             “I haven’t heard of the man,” Kakyoin offers, and then realizes he should introduce himself, too.  To Death.  He’s thrown so off kilter by this.  “Noriaki Kakyoin.”
             “Really.  Huh.  Usually he natters on about crap to anyone who’ll listen.  He’s one of the most well-known of us ‘cause he won’t shut up about his adventures.”  Death shrugs.  “So.  What are you planning on doing with your groceries before we head off?”
             “U-uhm.”  It takes a moment for his brain to restart.  “Most of them probably went bad, so…throw them away, I guess?”
             In response, Death leans in and picks out the meat, concentrating for a moment.  And it catches on fire and soon is a few ashes floating away.  It’s hard to tell whether he’s showing off or just bored.  “So, we’re off, then.”
             “I’ll call in sick,” Kakyoin responds, and does so, no matter how bored and impatient Death looks.  “Okay, crazy adventure ahoy.”