To Build a Home
Mar. 15th, 2022 11:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
madimpossibledreamerin true yakuza-esque fashion the more I write this version of Xander the more bittersweet it gets.
He’s wrong about Willow but doesn’t realize she had a crush (but then honestly xander's wrong about a lot of things here).
Main Points:
Buffy/Yakuza AU (Slayer's Mad Whelp)
Chapter Summary: Consistency and structure helps give Xander some foundation, even if he can't quite trust it.
Word Count: 1644
Rating: Teen
Warning: general familial abuse things (Tony Harris), mental issues (Xander). EDIT: I thought this was more on the mild end, because a lot of it's more ambient than specific or too over the top, but I had a nightmare after writing this, so viewer discretion advised accordingly.
Giles lies and protests and says that he doesn’t watch TV or read comic books, but the lies aren’t meant to hurt or mislead. He’s just embarrassed, mostly, trying to retain the look of responsible adult. He keeps telling Xander that if there’s a problem, anything he wants to talk about, he’s free to do so. He doesn’t complain when Xander tests him with small things at first, trying to see if he really won’t just do what everyone else does and fail to keep his word because honestly it’s hard to do that.
But the slip-ups are few and far between, and when Giles says he’ll do something, he really does try to do it, even if the easier alternative would be just to forget, or to just…not. It’s not like he wouldn’t understand. He’s in the way, and Giles likes to have an active sex life, which Xander gets. Hell, it’s not like he was irresponsible and then even owes Xander anything.
Giles is watching what he says now. Giles is putting his adopted kid first. Giles clears out most of his alcohol collection, keeping only a few select foreign beers and wines that must’ve been hard to get rid of, but Xander saw the bottles when he was donating those to friends—some of them were pretty old. He didn’t have to do that. Giles seeks his input for grocery shopping, and actively looking for snacks Xander likes when he finds it hard to find the words at first. Giles encourages him to have a little stash of food in his room because he finds it hard to go snack in the kitchen when he’s hungry. Giles sometimes forgets and calls him names (troglydite had been kinda funny, though, and it had been worth laughing until he couldn’t breathe and then panicking because of that, Giles staring worriedly all the while).
Giles willingly went and faced down Tony Harris to try to get what he could of Xander’s stuff back. No one Xander knows would talk to Tony if they could help it. He’s seething with fury when he comes back. Xander had tried to tell him Tony would have pawned it off before he’d even woken up, but Giles hadn’t wanted to listen. It’s weirdly soothing to hear him rant about all the terrible things he would’ve wanted to do but it wouldn’t do to end up in jail now, because what would happen to Xander then? Even if it is confusing.
Giles tracks down what he can. Giles gets donations from the nurses, because apparently they remember Xander. That’s kind of embarrassing, because those were all Xander’s fault, when he wasn’t quiet or quick enough and he’d rather people just forget so they’re not staring at him with eyes full of pity. It sucks more when they ask if there’s some way they can help, because Xander doesn’t know of anything that’ll fix it, trust him he’s tried, but telling someone that tends to make them feel worse, so usually he makes up something about food. Buttering up the lunch ladies and the café workers was usually enough to get him something, even if some of them just wanted to get rid of him.
Giles takes Xander on a shopping trip he’s pretty sure the Watcher can’t afford and doesn’t complain once, encouraging him to add more to the shopping cart even though it’s pretty obvious they’re both concerned about the budget and Giles is more than a little out of place. He even manages to make Giles laugh for once, when Giles forgets himself and implores him not to get another Hawaiian shirt, and he forgets himself and fires back, “Only if you get something that isn’t tweed.” He’s smug about that one, but he’s pretty sure he earned that. In all seriousness, he’s a good Cali kid, he’s gotta have some Hawaiian shirts in his waredrobe.
As a compromise, Xander checks out the bargain bins for CDs and DVDs once they’re done with the clothes. Giles actually asks him about his tastes in music and ‘cinema’, and listens attentatively, not tuning him out or making fun of him once.
It’s not normal. None of this is. He knows he’s annoying and usually a waste of space and people probably just keep him around out of pity, but this is—
Seriously, he’s pretty sure Willow never put this much energy into him, and she’s his best friend. He’d overheard Giles in the hospital. He knows this is some sort of…he’s not sure how to put it, moral project for the guy? Or maybe some sort of twisted comraderie; he knows, now, that Giles had gotten captured and tortured briefly by Angelus in the same warehouse, because Buffy had started telling him the story until Giles came in the room and silenced her with a raised eyebrow.
He is kinda sure that the Giles of a year ago wouldn’t have bothered. The Giles of a year ago is a little more callous, a little more cynical. It would’ve bothered him, but he wouldn’t have felt like he should fix it personally. At most, he would’ve called a social worker, and Xander would’ve got that. They’re a good influence, or maybe a bad one, pulling that pristine Watcher off his pedestal. But even then, this isn’t a show, the pageant of a Perfect Family to be performed for the neighbors, however well (or, in the case of the Harrises, how badly).
This is way too much effort to be anything other than genuine, which is what Xander can’t wrap his head around. They’re both pretending this is normal, of course, when it’s anything but.
Giles is predictable. Predictably weird, but predictable. Xander would worry about some weird demon doppelganger if the Watcher didn’t make mistakes (and that’s another weird thing, Giles apologizes for making those mistakes, all stiff and formal, but, like…he means it, and Xander can’t remember the last time anyone other than Willow and maybe Buffy apologized to him specifically).
He’s established a routine: Therapist Tuesday, Pizza Wednesday, because while Mondays are a meme it’s an obscure fact that Wednesdays are harder because you’re only halfway through the school week, according to Giles, Film Fridays. It isn’t until Xander asks, quiet, curious, that he chooses a few films/programmes himself. He makes it clear that Xander can talk to him anytime. He doesn’t judge. Xander offers him a purely hypothetical scenario and Giles actually offers some useful advice.
His therapist asks him if he’s okay if she shares some of the basic stuff, like the possible depression and low self-esteem. He’s not entirely sure how she got all that, given that he doesn’t talk about much in the sessions, but he agrees, curious, and weirdly, both of them act like they followed their word. Giles is awkward, but he really seems like he’s trying to help, and it’s not like he slips up and mentions something the therapist said she wouldn’t.
He breaks a doorknob and finds himself shaking, crying and apologizing. It wouldn’t have gotten that far—before. Because he’d have been long gone. He wouldn’t have dared to be vulnerable. He’d hide it, and he’d feel guilty because it was his fault, but his parents verbally screaming at each other because neither remembered breaking it while drunk was better than the belt. Giles had actually hugged him, despite a slight, aloof aversion to touch, whispering about how it was all right, these things happen. Giles even jokes that it’s an improvement over the demon incursion, and he’s rusty and it’s terrible and the Watcher was clearly never meant to be a comedian, but they laugh about it anyway.
Late at night, he finds Giles cursing, having dropped the screwdriver. Giles apologizes for waking him, but it’s fine. Honestly, Xander sleeps the most in class, though he’s been getting better and Giles even praised him for it which was weird.
He tries not to laugh at the manual. Giles has been getting a lot of used manuals, practically haunting the ‘self-help’/advice section, which is…nice, that someone cares enough to try. Still weird, though.
So he takes the screwdriver and fixes it, and Giles eyes him thoughtfully. That’s been happening a lot. “You’re good at that. Do you want to learn to whittle?”
It’s a surprise, but then, it shouldn’t be, it’s probably important for some types of magic, and Giles is the magic expert. That’s a lot of fun. More fun than cooking, which isn’t like baking. It’s not like it’s one step at a time. There’s a whole lotta steps at once and you’ve got to be good at all of them and not take too long and Xander hates it. The only comfort is that Giles hates it too, if all the new curse words he’s learning are any indication, but they can hate it together, so it’s still kind of a bonding activity.
So it’s…slow. He doesn’t get it. Why Giles cares, why he’s trying so hard, what he wants from Xander in the first place. Part of him’s not sure he’ll ever get it, really. But it’s clear that he does care. And he’s finally starting to get it, that it’s not just some stunt, and Giles really is trying hard, and he means it for some reason. He’s starting to trust it, even if he doesn’t understand it, because it’s just been consistently dependable, and he’s let down his guard and let himself be vulnerable. Giles for whatever reason is trying to make a place safe for him. The mistakes make it more real, somehow. That he’s not dead, this is no hallucination. Because life isn’t perfect, and neither is Giles, but it’s not all bad, either, and he’s trying, so. Maybe they’ll get there, someday.
He’s wrong about Willow but doesn’t realize she had a crush (but then honestly xander's wrong about a lot of things here).
Main Points:
Buffy/Yakuza AU (Slayer's Mad Whelp)
Chapter Summary: Consistency and structure helps give Xander some foundation, even if he can't quite trust it.
Word Count: 1644
Rating: Teen
Warning: general familial abuse things (Tony Harris), mental issues (Xander). EDIT: I thought this was more on the mild end, because a lot of it's more ambient than specific or too over the top, but I had a nightmare after writing this, so viewer discretion advised accordingly.
Mostly it’s the consistency that convinces him.
Giles lies and protests and says that he doesn’t watch TV or read comic books, but the lies aren’t meant to hurt or mislead. He’s just embarrassed, mostly, trying to retain the look of responsible adult. He keeps telling Xander that if there’s a problem, anything he wants to talk about, he’s free to do so. He doesn’t complain when Xander tests him with small things at first, trying to see if he really won’t just do what everyone else does and fail to keep his word because honestly it’s hard to do that.
But the slip-ups are few and far between, and when Giles says he’ll do something, he really does try to do it, even if the easier alternative would be just to forget, or to just…not. It’s not like he wouldn’t understand. He’s in the way, and Giles likes to have an active sex life, which Xander gets. Hell, it’s not like he was irresponsible and then even owes Xander anything.
Giles is watching what he says now. Giles is putting his adopted kid first. Giles clears out most of his alcohol collection, keeping only a few select foreign beers and wines that must’ve been hard to get rid of, but Xander saw the bottles when he was donating those to friends—some of them were pretty old. He didn’t have to do that. Giles seeks his input for grocery shopping, and actively looking for snacks Xander likes when he finds it hard to find the words at first. Giles encourages him to have a little stash of food in his room because he finds it hard to go snack in the kitchen when he’s hungry. Giles sometimes forgets and calls him names (troglydite had been kinda funny, though, and it had been worth laughing until he couldn’t breathe and then panicking because of that, Giles staring worriedly all the while).
Giles willingly went and faced down Tony Harris to try to get what he could of Xander’s stuff back. No one Xander knows would talk to Tony if they could help it. He’s seething with fury when he comes back. Xander had tried to tell him Tony would have pawned it off before he’d even woken up, but Giles hadn’t wanted to listen. It’s weirdly soothing to hear him rant about all the terrible things he would’ve wanted to do but it wouldn’t do to end up in jail now, because what would happen to Xander then? Even if it is confusing.
Giles tracks down what he can. Giles gets donations from the nurses, because apparently they remember Xander. That’s kind of embarrassing, because those were all Xander’s fault, when he wasn’t quiet or quick enough and he’d rather people just forget so they’re not staring at him with eyes full of pity. It sucks more when they ask if there’s some way they can help, because Xander doesn’t know of anything that’ll fix it, trust him he’s tried, but telling someone that tends to make them feel worse, so usually he makes up something about food. Buttering up the lunch ladies and the café workers was usually enough to get him something, even if some of them just wanted to get rid of him.
Giles takes Xander on a shopping trip he’s pretty sure the Watcher can’t afford and doesn’t complain once, encouraging him to add more to the shopping cart even though it’s pretty obvious they’re both concerned about the budget and Giles is more than a little out of place. He even manages to make Giles laugh for once, when Giles forgets himself and implores him not to get another Hawaiian shirt, and he forgets himself and fires back, “Only if you get something that isn’t tweed.” He’s smug about that one, but he’s pretty sure he earned that. In all seriousness, he’s a good Cali kid, he’s gotta have some Hawaiian shirts in his waredrobe.
As a compromise, Xander checks out the bargain bins for CDs and DVDs once they’re done with the clothes. Giles actually asks him about his tastes in music and ‘cinema’, and listens attentatively, not tuning him out or making fun of him once.
It’s not normal. None of this is. He knows he’s annoying and usually a waste of space and people probably just keep him around out of pity, but this is—
Seriously, he’s pretty sure Willow never put this much energy into him, and she’s his best friend. He’d overheard Giles in the hospital. He knows this is some sort of…he’s not sure how to put it, moral project for the guy? Or maybe some sort of twisted comraderie; he knows, now, that Giles had gotten captured and tortured briefly by Angelus in the same warehouse, because Buffy had started telling him the story until Giles came in the room and silenced her with a raised eyebrow.
He is kinda sure that the Giles of a year ago wouldn’t have bothered. The Giles of a year ago is a little more callous, a little more cynical. It would’ve bothered him, but he wouldn’t have felt like he should fix it personally. At most, he would’ve called a social worker, and Xander would’ve got that. They’re a good influence, or maybe a bad one, pulling that pristine Watcher off his pedestal. But even then, this isn’t a show, the pageant of a Perfect Family to be performed for the neighbors, however well (or, in the case of the Harrises, how badly).
This is way too much effort to be anything other than genuine, which is what Xander can’t wrap his head around. They’re both pretending this is normal, of course, when it’s anything but.
Giles is predictable. Predictably weird, but predictable. Xander would worry about some weird demon doppelganger if the Watcher didn’t make mistakes (and that’s another weird thing, Giles apologizes for making those mistakes, all stiff and formal, but, like…he means it, and Xander can’t remember the last time anyone other than Willow and maybe Buffy apologized to him specifically).
He’s established a routine: Therapist Tuesday, Pizza Wednesday, because while Mondays are a meme it’s an obscure fact that Wednesdays are harder because you’re only halfway through the school week, according to Giles, Film Fridays. It isn’t until Xander asks, quiet, curious, that he chooses a few films/programmes himself. He makes it clear that Xander can talk to him anytime. He doesn’t judge. Xander offers him a purely hypothetical scenario and Giles actually offers some useful advice.
His therapist asks him if he’s okay if she shares some of the basic stuff, like the possible depression and low self-esteem. He’s not entirely sure how she got all that, given that he doesn’t talk about much in the sessions, but he agrees, curious, and weirdly, both of them act like they followed their word. Giles is awkward, but he really seems like he’s trying to help, and it’s not like he slips up and mentions something the therapist said she wouldn’t.
He breaks a doorknob and finds himself shaking, crying and apologizing. It wouldn’t have gotten that far—before. Because he’d have been long gone. He wouldn’t have dared to be vulnerable. He’d hide it, and he’d feel guilty because it was his fault, but his parents verbally screaming at each other because neither remembered breaking it while drunk was better than the belt. Giles had actually hugged him, despite a slight, aloof aversion to touch, whispering about how it was all right, these things happen. Giles even jokes that it’s an improvement over the demon incursion, and he’s rusty and it’s terrible and the Watcher was clearly never meant to be a comedian, but they laugh about it anyway.
Late at night, he finds Giles cursing, having dropped the screwdriver. Giles apologizes for waking him, but it’s fine. Honestly, Xander sleeps the most in class, though he’s been getting better and Giles even praised him for it which was weird.
He tries not to laugh at the manual. Giles has been getting a lot of used manuals, practically haunting the ‘self-help’/advice section, which is…nice, that someone cares enough to try. Still weird, though.
So he takes the screwdriver and fixes it, and Giles eyes him thoughtfully. That’s been happening a lot. “You’re good at that. Do you want to learn to whittle?”
It’s a surprise, but then, it shouldn’t be, it’s probably important for some types of magic, and Giles is the magic expert. That’s a lot of fun. More fun than cooking, which isn’t like baking. It’s not like it’s one step at a time. There’s a whole lotta steps at once and you’ve got to be good at all of them and not take too long and Xander hates it. The only comfort is that Giles hates it too, if all the new curse words he’s learning are any indication, but they can hate it together, so it’s still kind of a bonding activity.
So it’s…slow. He doesn’t get it. Why Giles cares, why he’s trying so hard, what he wants from Xander in the first place. Part of him’s not sure he’ll ever get it, really. But it’s clear that he does care. And he’s finally starting to get it, that it’s not just some stunt, and Giles really is trying hard, and he means it for some reason. He’s starting to trust it, even if he doesn’t understand it, because it’s just been consistently dependable, and he’s let down his guard and let himself be vulnerable. Giles for whatever reason is trying to make a place safe for him. The mistakes make it more real, somehow. That he’s not dead, this is no hallucination. Because life isn’t perfect, and neither is Giles, but it’s not all bad, either, and he’s trying, so. Maybe they’ll get there, someday.
