madimpossibledreamer

Main Points: Haruhi Suzumiya AU
Chapter Summary: Haruhi's worried, and not generally having the best of days either.
Word Count: 1,246
Rating: T
Note: I haven't read everything, so this probably is not canon compliant.

Someone yells something. It's probably meant to have some significance to me, but it's not me. Meaningless sounds. None of this is me, not really. It's like I'm doing a puzzle, and I'm beginning to put the pieces together

since when am I Koizumi?

and so I'm starting to get the bigger picture now, beginning to see what all the puzzle pieces make

stupid metaphors

but someone keeps stealing puzzle pieces when I'm not looking. So I've got flashes, little bits of memory of the whole, but it's not staying around long enough for me to take a good look at it.

what are these names? what do they mean?

Someone touches my cheek. Gentle, but I can barely feel it. My body is so far away. At least that means the pain is distant, too, and I can just sit back and analyze it dispassionately

Nagato?

and not actually feel it from here.

Pain is a fleeting impulse. And it's important. It tells you what you need to know. But it shouldn't be feared.

Pain. Clarity. I'm here to warn Haruhi. I dragged myself all the way here

through corridors of black glass and steel and the very centers of stars

just to warn her. And that's her. I don't know how I know, but I know, and walking forward with knowledge and serenity

I move. I open my eyes, and there she is, staring at me, eyes brimming with tears she's fighting.

I exist again.

"H-how'd you find me?" I struggle to sit up, but I start coughing up blood again and, alarmed, she puts a hand to my body, where I'm cold and in pain. Her hand comes away crimson. She looks like she's the one that's dying.

"I put a tracker in your phone." Of course she would. This is Haruhi Suzumiya. She doesn't care about petty things like privacy.

She's about to have a breakdown. "No one remembers you, and you're...you're dying...."

"It's not the first time," I huff a laugh. For the first time, my eyes are wide open, and I don't feel horrible. I feel like I'm floating on clouds. I'm free. To be myself, whatever that means, to tell her the truth if I want-

"They're going to be so mad at me, and they don't even remember me..." It's funny, too, but I just smile, because laughing hurts. "It's happened before, and it hurt worse the first couple times." I'm not making sense, I know. I mean, I am. There's a part of me that's speaking, and it's speaking in stardust and cosmic rays and a hundred other things

"You wouldn't understand."

Speaking in circles, in non-chronological order. I'm a time traveler and a mind-reader and just strings of data and I'm none of these things.

"Kyon, we have to get you to a hospital." She tries to get me up, then notices that I'm losing blood faster and quickly sets me back down, pulling out her phone. I grab her hand, with more force than I thought I had left.

"They can't help." I mean, it's a stab wound, and that's practically the same all over this crazy universe, but all they can do is let me die, and I can't let that happen. And what would happen to Haruhi? "Listen to me, Haruhi. I was told never to tell you any of this."

"Why?" She's going to cry, really cry, and I'm not sure how to stop it.

I have no idea, really. I can't remember now. It's not important, telling her at this moment is more important, because I can feel the world beginning to shift, like an earthquake under my feet.

I've always felt it. Always known. When something changes, I feel it, a force inexorable as nature. I remember Reality-As-It-Was.

And I know that I have to change it. To stop it. Stop the change, actually.

"I don't...I don't remember. They had their reasons. Good ones. I can't tell you at this moment, but they're fine. You can trust them." The SOS Brigade wasn't behind this, and we'll figure it out. We always do. "Koizumi, Nagato, Asahina. You can trust them. They've been keeping secrets, but they felt they had to. The world was at stake, Haruhi."

Still is.

Finding the words is hard. Harder than I expected. It's becoming harder to think, to talk, to breathe. I'm cold. I don't have much time. "You're important. You have the power to change the world. You saved me, Haruhi." By the look on her face, I can tell she doesn't believe me. "I'm not sure how—I'm not too clear on all the details—" I begin to cough, and no, no, this can't be happening, because I need to speak, need to tell her the things she needs to know, for the moment, anyway. I don't have time, but hopefully what I can tell her will be enough.

I will myself to stop coughing, and feel the power flow through me. Something's definitely wrong—I shouldn't be able to do this, not here—but it doesn't matter at the moment. What matters is Haruhi. What matters is that she can't break down or change the world. Not now, not ever.

"You never knew my real name, never asked. I don't...I don't remember it myself at the moment, but there's a name that I remember that is important, that you need to hear..." My real secret, my real identity.

She's trying to get me to shut up, to stop talking, because even she can tell how difficult it is for me, how much damage it's doing. That doesn't matter and I need to finish.

"John Smith," I finish, forcing my failing lungs to proclaim that name loud to the world. Because yes, it's a name I'm proud of. Maybe I'll keep it. After all, it doesn't matter, now that I've ceased to exist. Never alive, and I'm dying. How ironic is that?

Haruhi stills next to me. "You can't be," she whispers. "He would've been long gone by the time..."

"I went back in time. Not by myself. I'm not a time traveler, but I've traveled in time. You'd be surprised, the number of things I've seen. More than anything I wanted to share them, because you're the one that wanted them and I...I'm the boy that no longer believed..." I'm failing, fading, but it's not time yet. I need to finish. "I've been attacked before. They're testing you, seeing what you do, trying to get you to react. They're going to try to do more than just kill me. I don't know how—I don't know who knew. None of the Brigade knew, not even me, so how can some outsider...."

I grit my teeth. It's time. I have to go, or I really will die here, and I'm still needed. I stand, and it's easier when you've figured out how to tell your body what to do, beyond the strictly possible. Haruhi's freaking out.

I smile at her, swaying. "All of it's true. Be careful. The fact that you know now...there are going to be people in their various organizations panicking. You have a way of making even the most powerful people uncomfortable, Haruhi. I'll be back."

and I stop being Kyon, and light descends, and I'm off to heal. So much to do, not enough time. Never enough time, but it's my own time now. Guess I'm a rebel now.