madimpossibledreamer (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
madimpossibledreamer) wrote2022-02-15 11:59 pm
madimpossibledreamer) wrote2022-02-15 11:59 pm
Entry tags:
a promise fulfilled
not sure where exactly this falls in the slayer's mad whelp timeline--after Can't Breathe, definitely after Halloween in the timeline, but the tone feels like a regression in trust. then again, recovery is not a straight line and xander is very good at pretending everything's fine, so it's probably not as out of place as it feels.
Main Points:
Buffy/Yakuza AU (Slayer's Mad Whelp)
Chapter Summary: xander's used to broken promises. he can't quite figure out what giles is doing, trying to keep the whole 'we're a family now' promise.
Word Count: 1029
Rating: Teen
Warning: panic attack, very vaguely mentioned Angelus torture, slightly more detailed parental abuse re: tony harris
in class, they mention that repetition is everything. that lesson has been carved inside his psyche, until the point where he can’t tell if the voice telling him that he’s useless, better off abandoned, that it would’ve been better if he’d died in jesse’s place, or—hell, or just died, period—is his father’s or his own. it’s been long enough and the voice has existed under his skin, rattling around his skull, long enough it doesn’t matter, if it ever did. that is what made tony so bad, at the end. and while majima is unimpressed with angel’s efforts on the physical torture side of things compared to the hole (maybe because the guy wasn’t human anymore, and didn’t know how to actually make it hurt), his ability, uncannily accurate, was to say those things out loud. which probably meant he had those words inside, too, and they still dug their little fishhooks deep into his skin.
speaking of honestly he probably should’ve used fishhooks, forced xander to dig them out of his skin himself. he stopped giving feedback after—he doesn’t remember, but there was a good reason at the time.
anyway, promises usually meant something like this: families exist to love each other. like this: i’m not going anywhere, xander. like this: i’m not letting you get hurt, xander. like this: sure, you can eat some of the fries, xander. he doesn’t hold it against them. good people make the promise believing naively that they can live up to that ideal. life just won’t let them, but they keep thinking this time it’ll be different. bad people go in knowing they’re setting up false expectations.
so that’s all he’d been expecting, when he became xander giles. sure, it’d been a bad position, but he—all he’d been was a charity project, right? giles hadn’t really shown any signs of even really, well, liking him, before this. he’d been treated as an annoying nuisance. and sure, majima had experience with just the same kind of shift in treatment, because he took pride in being a professional annoying nuisance, but—
but it was still something he didn’t know what to do with. even with experience, or memories, at least.
because giles kept in the sarcastic remarks, now. most of the time, but it’s clear he’s trying because, what, he values this suddenly? it ends up with giles quiet, asking questions, or rambling nervously most of the time, but still, it makes xander’s brain stumble. every. single. time.
and giles is watching. not for the moment to see him stumble, like xander’s brain insists, because several of those moments come and go, and giles just helps him up or admits he watches a few bbc programmes or buys him a snack. it’s not obvious until he reacts or asks about it later. but it’s like…it’s like he sees this shit and it actually bothers him. like he cares about xander. and that’s so ridiculous it doesn’t make sense.
like how he’s not snacking, and giles makes it very clear that if they aren’t the snacks he’d like that he should put ones he’ll actually eat on the list, and he doesn’t know how to say that it’s just that…he’s not used to being able to eat without judgment. passive-aggressive remarks at best. physical punishment at worst. snacks especially.
but it’s when they’re making dessert and he just freezes, mute again, and he realizes giles has led him to a chair and started making hot chocolate, talking to him in that gentle voice, and it’s confusing.
“should i throw it away?” is giles’ first question when xander finds enough of a breath to hum quizzically.
he frowns, still confused.
“the oil,” giles continues, hesitant, clearly not wanting to say the word directly, but it’s enough. he needs to speak, even if it feels scary. like he’s going to take a step off of millennium tower.
“mice were always my fault,” he states quietly, voice barely there. “i was too messy, or—or something. he went through my stuff. threw a lot of it away, and i just…willow helped by researching. we went to the library and found that mice don’t like the smell. so i put it on some of my stuff and my bed, so they couldn’t crawl up, because she’d also read about how many diseases they had and she was scared. and i was, too, even if i didn’t tell her. spent months like that. so it’s a protection, but it also means there’s something i need to be protected from.”
the hand covering his makes him startle. “i’m rubbish at this,” giles confesses, quiet and apologetic, even if he’s not the one who’s at fault, here. “i’m not used to talking about this, nor at making you feel as comfortable as i hoped, but it’s clear you don’t feel safe talking about this on your own. know that it's not your fault. what do you need to help?”
and it’s not like he can deny it anymore. it’s clear giles cares and it’s not just a illusion or—but still, it’s confusing.
“why do you care?” he manages to say above the frantic beating of his heart.
giles’ expression is equal parts anger and heartbreak. “because if i didn’t, no one else would,” he explains, and xander grasps his meaning instantly. he’s not saying that buffy and willow don’t care, but they aren’t adults, and they have their own problems.
if they end up crying and hugging, they can deny it later.
Main Points:
Buffy/Yakuza AU (Slayer's Mad Whelp)
Chapter Summary: xander's used to broken promises. he can't quite figure out what giles is doing, trying to keep the whole 'we're a family now' promise.
Word Count: 1029
Rating: Teen
Warning: panic attack, very vaguely mentioned Angelus torture, slightly more detailed parental abuse re: tony harris
maybe it’s pretentious to say this, but he’s used to promises. all too often, promises are nothing but a pile of empty words, pretty, but no substance. he gobbles them up anyway, because they’re all he has, just like the latest blockbuster. sure, it’s empty fluff that means absolutely nothing, attractively useless. enough to get him to stop thinking, to get him out of his own head for an hour or two. it’s not a nice place to be. it used to be, but it’s not anymore and he can’t remember the last time it was somewhere nice to be. before everything was poisoned.
in class, they mention that repetition is everything. that lesson has been carved inside his psyche, until the point where he can’t tell if the voice telling him that he’s useless, better off abandoned, that it would’ve been better if he’d died in jesse’s place, or—hell, or just died, period—is his father’s or his own. it’s been long enough and the voice has existed under his skin, rattling around his skull, long enough it doesn’t matter, if it ever did. that is what made tony so bad, at the end. and while majima is unimpressed with angel’s efforts on the physical torture side of things compared to the hole (maybe because the guy wasn’t human anymore, and didn’t know how to actually make it hurt), his ability, uncannily accurate, was to say those things out loud. which probably meant he had those words inside, too, and they still dug their little fishhooks deep into his skin.
speaking of honestly he probably should’ve used fishhooks, forced xander to dig them out of his skin himself. he stopped giving feedback after—he doesn’t remember, but there was a good reason at the time.
anyway, promises usually meant something like this: families exist to love each other. like this: i’m not going anywhere, xander. like this: i’m not letting you get hurt, xander. like this: sure, you can eat some of the fries, xander. he doesn’t hold it against them. good people make the promise believing naively that they can live up to that ideal. life just won’t let them, but they keep thinking this time it’ll be different. bad people go in knowing they’re setting up false expectations.
so that’s all he’d been expecting, when he became xander giles. sure, it’d been a bad position, but he—all he’d been was a charity project, right? giles hadn’t really shown any signs of even really, well, liking him, before this. he’d been treated as an annoying nuisance. and sure, majima had experience with just the same kind of shift in treatment, because he took pride in being a professional annoying nuisance, but—
but it was still something he didn’t know what to do with. even with experience, or memories, at least.
because giles kept in the sarcastic remarks, now. most of the time, but it’s clear he’s trying because, what, he values this suddenly? it ends up with giles quiet, asking questions, or rambling nervously most of the time, but still, it makes xander’s brain stumble. every. single. time.
and giles is watching. not for the moment to see him stumble, like xander’s brain insists, because several of those moments come and go, and giles just helps him up or admits he watches a few bbc programmes or buys him a snack. it’s not obvious until he reacts or asks about it later. but it’s like…it’s like he sees this shit and it actually bothers him. like he cares about xander. and that’s so ridiculous it doesn’t make sense.
like how he’s not snacking, and giles makes it very clear that if they aren’t the snacks he’d like that he should put ones he’ll actually eat on the list, and he doesn’t know how to say that it’s just that…he’s not used to being able to eat without judgment. passive-aggressive remarks at best. physical punishment at worst. snacks especially.
but it’s when they’re making dessert and he just freezes, mute again, and he realizes giles has led him to a chair and started making hot chocolate, talking to him in that gentle voice, and it’s confusing.
“should i throw it away?” is giles’ first question when xander finds enough of a breath to hum quizzically.
he frowns, still confused.
“the oil,” giles continues, hesitant, clearly not wanting to say the word directly, but it’s enough. he needs to speak, even if it feels scary. like he’s going to take a step off of millennium tower.
“mice were always my fault,” he states quietly, voice barely there. “i was too messy, or—or something. he went through my stuff. threw a lot of it away, and i just…willow helped by researching. we went to the library and found that mice don’t like the smell. so i put it on some of my stuff and my bed, so they couldn’t crawl up, because she’d also read about how many diseases they had and she was scared. and i was, too, even if i didn’t tell her. spent months like that. so it’s a protection, but it also means there’s something i need to be protected from.”
the hand covering his makes him startle. “i’m rubbish at this,” giles confesses, quiet and apologetic, even if he’s not the one who’s at fault, here. “i’m not used to talking about this, nor at making you feel as comfortable as i hoped, but it’s clear you don’t feel safe talking about this on your own. know that it's not your fault. what do you need to help?”
and it’s not like he can deny it anymore. it’s clear giles cares and it’s not just a illusion or—but still, it’s confusing.
“why do you care?” he manages to say above the frantic beating of his heart.
giles’ expression is equal parts anger and heartbreak. “because if i didn’t, no one else would,” he explains, and xander grasps his meaning instantly. he’s not saying that buffy and willow don’t care, but they aren’t adults, and they have their own problems.
if they end up crying and hugging, they can deny it later.