existential brooding

[madimpossibledreamer]

Main Points:
Buffy/Blake's 7 (Place in the Universe)
Chapter Summary: Blake and Xander contemplate their situation.
Word Count: 847
Rating: Teen

 

Nature abhors a vacuum. If there’s no vacuum to be found, though...how would you go about carving out a niche for yourself in the social ecosystem of the world?

Do you displace others? Do you try to set yourself apart, and let others come to you? No paths guarantee a respite from loneliness. The only certainty is uncertainty.

The web of life is no mere metaphor or descriptor for an ecosystem. Everything is connected. The only question left for every individual is to determine how they want to relate to others.

I once fancied myself a hero. Some sort of savior. Not that I was particularly special, but I was in the right place and I cared enough to try.

It’s the story I told myself, the one that said that it wasn’t all wasted, that all the pain and suffering meant something. I lied, oh, far more than I’d ever wanted to admit, but I lied most of all to myself.

We all tell ourselves lies to make it through the day. We just have to hope the truth outweighs the lies. That we’re not deluding ourselves about the connections we’ve made. That they mean as much to others as they do to us.

They say we are known by the company we keep. They also say that you can judge a man by the quality of his enemies. Both are true. 

We don’t define ourselves by absolutes, however much we may wish to think so. We instead define ourselves by our relations to others. There’s an opportunity there, but also a danger, particularly if we fall into patterns and never reevaluate, never question.

It’s easy to lose yourself in obsession, to define yourself too heavily by one relationship or another. In opposition, in destruction, there’s a tendency to let it all consume you.

I didn’t understand then. Too close to see it, I think. I didn’t let arguments or warnings dissuade me, and forgot what little I had already known. And then, of course, I was desperate and didn’t care what happened to me, because I didn’t think I mattered.

Sometimes I wonder what would have changed, how everything would be different—because it would be different; I know that much. The only question is how.

If one friend had died, if another had not, what would have changed? Would my thirst for revenge brighten, or grow dull? There’s too many variables to be certain, but I wonder.

There’s so much you can see with the benefit of hindsight. But humans tend to focus on the negative. What you did wrong, what you would do differently, if only you could do it all again.

You don’t notice the rest. Precious moments that you should hold in your heart to keep you going in times that feel darkest. We spend so long searching for the place that we belong and how we relate to others that we never think to just...be. Just enjoy and live in the moment. The cynical among us would add, because you never know which might be your last.

I was, as I said, desperate. Justifiably so, if looked at sympathetically. I had allowed others to define myself, and somewhere in the middle my own voice was disappearing. If I didn't hurry, it'd be gone forever.

In life, you have little control over how others define you. In death, you have none. And I thought death would have me, sooner or later, and in all probability, sooner.

Mostly I was just desperate not to tarnish what little legacy I’d had left. I’d already done it once, acted against my will, and in the aftermath no matter how much I tried to rationalize, I could never quite manage to trust myself again. It’s a wonder anyone else did.

In the end, though, those are all excuses. Yes, there were reasons, good ones, but I didn’t do any of the work because I hadn’t wished to admit any of that to myself. I wanted to die, but on my own terms, in a way I’d be remembered fondly, in a way that would be of use to my fellows fighting evil.

In the end, life should be more than a legacy. If all you’re ever doing is preparing for, anticipating, living for the future, then you drift through the present, no more than a ghost.

In the end, all any of that brought was pain to others, never to myself, no matter how much I wished it—no, I was too lucky, lived while others died or nearly died, and I didn’t want any of it. But just wishing and hoping for anything to change isn’t practical.

You have to effect that with your own hands, I’m afraid. Change isn’t easy. Change doesn’t come without a fight. Change doesn’t come without sacrifice.

Change is not always a positive, but without change, there is only stagnation. Change is an integral part of life.

Change things. Not just for some nebulous legacy you’ll never live to see, but for yourself as well. Weigh and value both.

+ bonus list of chapter titles

Chapter titles (taken from lists of latin phrases because I was not great in my latin class; let me know if I got something wrong)

-1- sed non obligant. They do not bind us. This is referring to astrology and how it's not supposed to be determinism, only a guide. I figured it made a good start for a story about a lot of the characters learning not to be stuck in their ways.

-2- actiones secundum fidei. Action follows belief (in essence, we try to act in accordance with our believed character). This is mostly for Avon, since he’s still trying to act like he’s this Big Villain even though he does actually care and is definitely more along the lines of an anti-hero.

-3- viva voce. By word of mouth. Technically this refers to spoken evidence, and this is the chapter where Willow’s telling them everything that’s going on to prove her point.

-4- scio me nihil scire. I know that I know nothing. Blake and Avon actually accept their situation and the fact that they’re out of their depth and don’t know a lot of what they should.

-5- res, non verba. Actions speak louder than words. This applies both to Blake and Avon as well as Giles. I realized this chapter that while Blake especially and to some extent Avon were acting like they trusted these strangers as potential allies much faster than any other YAHF I’ve ever written...it was just an act. They’re actually both pretty cautious, though Blake’s much better at hiding it. Meanwhile Giles is like “I have no idea who’s responsible but we can figure this out together” and then sneaks off alone.

-6- nomen nescio. I do not know the name. I’m pretty sure this was meant to be a reference to Dawn’s whole existence.

-7- per fas et nefas. Through right or wrong (by any means necessary). Travis doesn’t care how he captures Blake. He just wants it done.

-8- flectere si nequeo superos, acheronta movebo. If I cannot reach Heaven, I will raise Hell. Honestly, given some of Travis’ later actions in the show, this could be his mantra.

-9- reginam occidere. To kill the queen, with a further quote that had the same “let’s eat, Grandma” type of punctuation meaning change, changing whether the writer thought it was a good idea to kill the queen or not. This one’s kind of for both Servalan and Cordy, especially given Cordy’s speech about trying to stop bystanders from getting killed (not entirely prompted by the fact that she’s one of the bystanders in the equation). And Servalan would absolutely take advantage of that kind of dual meaning for her own schemes.

-10- post tenebras lux. After darkness, I hope for light. Blake knows that giving himself up is setting himself up for a lot of pain, but he’s hoping he still survives this somehow.

-11- saltus in demonstrando. Leap in explaining, where something necessary is omitted. Honestly this one is kind of a meta joke in that I could have written a whole X-men taking the army base chapter and didn’t, so there’s a whole offscreen B-plot.

-12- sic infit. Vorlon “and so it begins” moment. Straightforward ‘Blake’s suffering begins’ title.

-13- ne plus ultra. Nothing more beyond, the most extreme point. Again, straightforward, probably the most brutal chapter when it comes to the physical torture stuff.

-14- necesse est aut imiteris aut oderis. You must either imitate or loathe the world. Seemed fitting given that we’ve got two rebels (Spike and Blake) bonding.

-15- reformatio in peius. Change to worse (usually for legal appeals). Just when Blake thinks he’s endured the worst of Travis’ torture...

-16- non sum qualis eram. I am not such as I was. Avon actually acknowledging that he’s a changed man, rather than clinging onto the notion of who he used to be.

-17- non omnis moriar. I shall not all die (some part of me will live on). Probably mostly Blake trying to reassure himself.

-18- vera natura. True nature (rather than perceived nature). Several people (including Spike) are clocking who Avon really is correctly, while others (Giles) are still stuck on their own perceptions.

-19- dulcius ex asperis. Sweeter after difficulties. Buffy actually getting accepted after having set up something she doesn’t think she should be forgiven for.

-20- dolor hic tibi proderit olim. Some day this pain will be useful to you. Mostly because he’s going to still be losing the eye, having some experience dealing with chronic pain and injury is going to help him adjust better. (Aside from the fact the eyepatch thing is going to have him thinking of Travis.)

-21- existential brooding. This chapter title gets to be jarringly different because it’s just a collection of all of the beginnings of previous chapters to form a coherent story. (Also, as you probably noticed, chapter 19 and 20 don’t have any kind of intro, because they’re essentially the epilogue.)