dolor hic tibi proderit olim

[madimpossibledreamer]

this is the second time I’ve written a fic with a romantic offer to kidnap someone else. It’s weird that it happened twice, but makes perfect sense in context.

Main Points:
Buffy/Blake's 7 (Place in the Universe)
Chapter Summary: Jesse confronts Xander, who's been keeping secrets.
Word Count: 960
Rating: Teen

 

         “You haven’t told her about the pain.” Jesse has been watching, carefully, with Avon’s careful eye for detail, and he’s seen the occasional twinge, a flinch here and there. Not the usual reaction, one that signals wounds he’s hiding from them all. Again. No, Avon can nearly guarantee this is aftermath from Halloween Xander hadn’t thought to mention to a single soul.
         “So I didn’t,” Xander responds with a smile that Avon always found equally attractive and infuriating.
         It seems he’s going to make this difficult. “Why,” he snarls.
         For Xander, it’s just a fact, like the fact that the sky on Earth is blue. He attaches no more emotion to it than that, despite the fact that he should. “She’s already feeling guilty enough—hell, Angel’s feeling guilty and I can nearly guarantee Travis had been acting on Angel’s own fantasies about getting me to shut up. Why make it any worse?”
         In the tone is that slightly hollow, slightly empty hint of ‘I don’t matter’ that Jesse hates. It’s been getting worse since Buffy showed up, and Blake just compounded it. He wants to snarl, wants to rip any such thoughts right out of Xander’s head, wants to shake him and scream how he has value. Xander, of course, would not thank him for it, having Blake’s memories of having his brain meddled with, and would be appreciative and baffled all at once about Jesse’s desperate attempt to get him to see his worth. “You’ll tell me, won’t you?” Xander would hide the worst of it, of course, but if he could at least monitor it a little, he’d feel better about the whole thing.
         Xander can’t meet his eyes. “What, so you can feel pity for me instead?”
         “It is not—” Jesse starts hotly, taking a breath and then beginning again, more level. “It is not pity. Despite everything that has happened in the last few weeks, I am Jesse, and you are my best friend, and with that comes all sorts of uncomfortable things like worrying about your friends and wanting to make sure they are in good health, or as close as we’re likely to get when we’re constantly throwing ourselves in harm’s way.”
         Xander blinks, then actually glances back up. There’s actual good humor in his expression. “Well, all right. Though I can’t promise you’ll like what you hear.” And some of Blake’s almost-laughter in his voice.
         “I rarely do,” Jesse agrees.
         He takes a deep breath, organising his thoughts before he speaks. “It’s not—it’s not like the serum’s still in my system. It’s not constant. It’s more like my system got all jumbled after. Giles did a healing spell after, and even that didn’t fully clear it away. Sometimes it’s like an itch in my skin, raw and bleeding. The only thing that makes it go away is pressure. I’ve been thinking about getting an actual bracelet or—I don’t know, just something to take the edge off.”
         Tentatively, Jesse reaches out to touch Xander’s hand, but he doesn’t flinch this time. By mutual unspoken agreement they move to the bench, rather than just continuing to stand around uselessly.
         “I think if my brain’s occupied elsewhere, I don’t notice. Sometimes joints—hands, mostly, though at other times my ankle, which makes walking deucedly uncomfortable.” He pauses and grins in a way that absolutely doesn’t match the topic at hand. “I have to say, it’s fun coming out with words Giles doesn’t expect and then watch him attempt to work out how he wants to react.”
         Jesse shakes his head disapprovingly, like he doesn’t do the same exact thing for his own amusement.
         “The worst…” Xander takes a breath that catches. “Sometimes it’s my spine, somehow. Just feels like electricity, all day. I’m rubbish those days, can’t concentrate on anything. It’s only happened twice, but one of them happened to be a day that Papa Harris, well.” The grin likewise falters. He’s making light of it, but that’s not surprising in any way. “I think I may have put him off. He wasn’t expecting the reaction he got.”
         Probably panicked his beating had been harder than intended while drunk. Jesse closes his eyes and presses down thoughts of murder. “I swear I’m going to kidnap you and just keep you at home one of these days. Mum and Dad love you and it is in every way an improvement over current accommodations.”
         “I’ll consider it.” At least the grin and half laugh are back in full force, even though Xander has no intentions of actually taking it. Probably under some sort of illusion he doesn’t deserve it, the self-sacrificing fool. Well, Jesse has Avon’s intelligence, now, and patience. He can plan some sort of long-term strategy.
         Jesse really doesn’t want to encourage Blake’s secret-keeping habits. Avon is a little more comfortable with the idea, as long as he isn’t left in the dark. “You can’t keep this a secret forever.”
         “I know. I’m not—I’m not useless. I’m not a burden. I’m not broken. Though I’m—still trying to find something, for the pain.” It goes without saying that he wants to be functional, unlike his parents. Though that might not entirely be Xander’s choice, and he’s been like this since he’d almost lost Jesse. Doesn’t blame vampires as much as Jesse, but he’s been desperate to keep them all alive even if he has to throw himself in harm’s way, and that’s doubly dangerous, now.
         “There is nothing wrong with working within your limits,” Jesse points out, as gently as he can, and then adds, “We will figure out something for the pain if I have to learn healing magic from Giles.”
         Xander nods thoughtfully. “There’s an idea,” he responds mildly.