madimpossibledreamer | Muri (part II)

I admit, this is serving as a kind of catharsis. (I'm definitely feeling a bit better after writing this, so yay.)
I wonder if I'm putting off writing MC's Shadow because if I drop hints but let people's imaginations do the rest of the work, they'll probably do a better job with the Shadow than I will. (Imaginations tend to be really, really good at filling in the blanks.)

Main Points: Persona 4 Playthrough Mild AU, and possibly AU to my AU (due to the fact that there's a Shadow with a Tier II sort of Fear Ailment which doesn't exist and with Unbreakable Ties I was trying to stick really, really close to canon)
Chapter Summary: It takes a while, but Yosuke finally starts to calm enough to start to explain what happened.
Word Count: 992
Rating: T

“Yosuke?” you ask. He’s lost in his own world. He…doesn’t have his headphones on.

Carefully you pick them up and set him on his ears, searching out his mp3 player and the ‘comfort’ playlist you know he has on there. (You’re one of the few people he’s allowed to explore his headphones, and you’ve come out of it with a better idea of what he’s like. It feels like a privilege to be one of the few he allows near such an…well, almost sacred artifact.)

Eventually, he gains enough awareness to be vaguely aware of what’s going on, of everything that’s happened since the Shadow did whatever it did to him, and now you’re kind of wishing you could Samarecarm the thing just to pound it into the ground again. He sobs out loud again, but in general his crying has gotten quieter. At least he’s not pulling away anymore. In your experience, a Yosuke who’s lashing out, trying to get away, is a much more upset one than the one you hugged on the floodplain. A similarity between your Shadows, maybe.

He buries his head in your shoulder suddenly, fast enough that your fast reflexes are all that saves you from falling over from the change in balance. He’s starting to mutter fragments, to explain, maybe, but you can’t make out what he’s saying. All you can do is hold him as he gets it out of his system.

At last, he looks at you and smiles, but it’s the smile of someone who’s lost all hope, and it’s a stab to your heart. With trembling hands, he removes his headphones and allows them to rest around his neck.

“I’m glad that bear isn’t here,” he jokes, but there’s still something horribly wrong with his voice, and all he’s doing is putting on that brave mask. At least he’s not alone. He needs to know that, needs to know that no matter what he looks like behind his mask, you’ll still find him beautiful. “Remember what he said when we’d only been talking about it?”

“Yes, well, he can shut up,” you say firmly, not unkindly but without a trace of hesitation. “I like you. I’ve seen the worst of you. I can’t think of anything you could do to scare me away.”

This actually gets a pained look again, but he bites his lip and looks down at your entwined hands instead of bursting into tears again. “You’re…ridiculous, you know?” he says softly, in a way that lets you know it’s important. (Like you needed that clue for that. You’d already worked it out through the preponderance of other evidence.) “We saw your Shadow, so we know you’re not perfect, but. Like now. How can you just…sit there, and comfort me and act like it’s normal and it’s nothing?”

“It’s not nothing, but it is normal for me. This isn’t normal for you, and I’m worried about you, but I will go to the ends of the earth for my friends. And I’m not supposed to play favorites, but…you more than anyone else.” On an impulse, you press a kiss to his hair, suddenly realizing that your strong act (because you need to be strong, you need to be strong and their unbreakable leader for them all, especially when they need you, and even if that’s what led to your Shadow you can’t help it, not when they need you) might be easily seen through. This close, he might feel you trembling too.

From the wry look you get, yeah, he’s noticed. Any other time, you’d get a lecture about taking it easy, but this time a simple stare is enough, and you look down, chastened.

At least it’s a more normal interaction, something to tell you that Yosuke hasn’t been lost forever. There are things that kill, in these places. Why wouldn’t there be things that break the mind, entirely?

“It was…it was like with my Shadow. Only it wasn’t in his voice. I’ve learned, well, not to ignore it, but to read between the lines, especially after he became chatty again.” It’s quiet, halting, but you can actually follow along this time. “There were voices. It started with Saki’s. I was going to ask if anyone else was hearing them, but then I heard what they were saying.” The grip has reached the point where you can’t feel your hand. You wouldn’t dream, in a million years, about pointing that out.

It’s harder for him to continue. Partly, you realize, because Kanji and Naoto haven’t heard anything about Yosuke’s Shadow. No one has. Chie brought it up the once, but Yosuke artfully side-stepped the question, and the topic had never come up again.

At first, you thought Yosuke had it easy, no one else seeing his Shadow besides you. But, feeling him shiver helplessly in your arms, you wonder if that was really the case. Maybe it was easiest for Naoto. Not at the time, no. The more people there are, the more tempted you are to just deny it, say it isn’t you, because you’re worried about them and what they’ll think of you if they know what you’re like, on the inside.

After the fact, though, you’ll have even more emotional support. If they’ve stuck around after seeing your Shadow instead of running away screaming or avoiding you at every opportunity, maybe you’re not the monster you think. Maybe, in fact, like you’ve been saying all along, everyone is the same inside and that you can change, with the will you’ve gained from your Persona, with the strength you’ve gained from true friends.

This is really hurting him, and it hurts you, too, to see him in such pain. But you’re not going to stop him. If there’s one thing you’ve learned from this whole weird year, it’s that inconvenient, painful truths are better to know, to have in the open, than to leave festering inside.