madimpossibledreamer | Conversations with the Self

What should I do when I get the flu? Play Persona 4 Golden and write, of course. Clearly.
...Sometimes I wonder about my sanity...anyway, enjoy!

This is a companion piece to High Magician S.L. 1. And actually comes before that.
...Writing Shadows is a lot of fun.
Also, note: not meant to be Rise-bashing. This is more...a reaction to the way she's behaving than anything. I don't believe she means to hurt or anything like that. But some of the things she's done during my playthrough have made me downright uncomfortable, so I included that. Once she realizes what she's doing, the effect her actions are having on other people, she'll be horrified.

Main Points: Persona 4 Playthrough Mild AU
Chapter Summary: Before realizing that he's handling this badly, though, Yosuke has to have someone pound that into his thick head.
Word Count: 2,939
Rating: K
Note: ...Relatively spoiler-free, actually. Aside from who's in the team and stuff.

It’s too quiet. That’s what wakes Yosuke up.

He sits up, frowning. It’s not like the house being quiet in the middle of the night is weird, at all, but it feels weird. Something’s off.

He investigates the feeling for a couple seconds, chasing it through his mind in an attempt to grasp it, but it stays out of reach. The more he thinks about it, though, the more uneasy he becomes. He’s never felt all that at home in his own room, though Souji’s help and Teddie sleeping in the closet sure have helped him feel a little more comfortable. It’s got all his stuff, yeah, but he’s at his most relaxed when he’s in the arcade or a music store or something. His music helps anywhere, really, as well as the reassuring weight of headphones around his neck, but it’s…clean. He teases Souji about a clean room, but never bothers to mention that due to his mom breathing down his neck, his own room is probably even cleaner than his boyfriend’s. So he’d never think of himself as a guy who could tell if something was in the room that wasn’t supposed to be, or whatever. He should be able to. There’s not that much stuff in his room to begin with, and it’s all organized, so any changes should be easy to spot. But he’s never thought of himself as that guy.

At this moment, though, it feels like he is that guy and it’s freaking him the crap out. He’s frozen, not sure what he’s going to do. “Stop being stupid,” he tells himself out loud. “You’re too old to be scared of the dark, or think that there are monsters under the bed. Just get up, turn on the light. Then you’ll see.” It’s not working, though. His heart is hammering in his chest. It feels like he’s about to turn the corner in one of the dungeons—the striptease, probably, since they’ll probably have mysterious errand-quests for the place like all the other ones—and run straight into a huge Shadow. But there, it’d be daytime. He’d have his set of kitchen knives, and his partner at his side, and Yukiko would probably be there to toss in a much-needed Diarama where needed. Here, he’s in his pajamas, for goodness’ sake.

He realizes what’s wrong. Teddie’s sure quieter than normal. Usually he’s at least making weird sounds in his sleep. Then again, it’s not unusual for Ted to get hungry at night and wander off. So why does this feel so wrong?

“You’ve got good instincts, me…” a voice purrs out of the darkness, and instantly he freezes in fear. He knows that voice. It’s not hard, after all. It’s his own. But it can’t be here. This is some sort of nightmare. He’ll wake up, and the voice will be gone. “Pity you don’t listen to them.”

Before he realizes it, he’s on his feet, ready for an attack. He can’t make out much of the silhouette, but he doesn’t have to. The messy hair, the deceptively relaxed position against the wall—it’s what he sees in a mirror. How’s his Shadow here? Neither they nor Personas can come out in the real world. Can they? And yet it’s here, staring at him. It’s real. Unless this is a dream, but it feels too real. A thought occurs to him, and his heart jumps into his throat. “What did you do with Teddie?” He tries to sound like all those heroes he sees on the shows when facing down himself, but inside he’s shaking and his hands are probably too slippery to hold weapons, even if he had them with him.

Of course, his Shadow sees right through the act. It’s kind of hard to bluff yourself, someone who knows how you react when you’re trying to put on a brave front but are least confident inside, someone who knows every nervous gesture. The yellow eyes glow slightly in the darkness, a reminder that for all it was born from him, it’s inhuman. They glint slightly, and knowing his Shadow, it’s probably smirking. “You should be more worried about yourself, big boy.” It begins moving without warning, tackling him and shoving him through the TV screen. It’s a bit of a tight fit, but at least his shoulders can go through. Unlike Souji’s tiny screen.

This isn’t the time to be thinking this. He’s started falling, with only a surprised, fairly quiet shout. He doesn’t fall on his keys, because he’s in his pajamas, but the landing never feels better, no matter how many times they do this. He makes a note that he should ask Souji whether they can bring in pillows to the entrance to make their landings less painful before he realizes that that might not even apply. Not if he doesn’t make it out of this alive.

Where is he? He slowly stands up, and…okay, it’s not anywhere they’ve been before. It doesn’t even especially look like the TV world, honestly, just a really misty stretch of land that he can’t make out. How’s he going to find the entrance?

Like that’s the biggest concern right now. How’s he going to survive the Shadows? He’s here in his pajamas, with no weapons. He’ll be lucky if he survives a few hours. He has a Persona, after all, so the Shadows aren’t just going to ignore him.

…L-like the one that’s been staring at him for who knows how long, waiting for him to figure out that he’s there too.

“S-so, what’s the grand plan, ‘me’?” Yosuke asks, attempting to not let his voice shake.

“I’m you, idiot. I didn’t think this through. But then, you wouldn’t listen to me if we were just all cozy in your house, so here we are.” He can make out the Shadow’s face, now. It’s frustrated, kicking at the misty ground with its tennis shoes, too. “After all, you weren’t listening to me before. If it ends up getting you killed, at this point, it’ll be a slip. My bad.” Despite the words, it seems like the Shadow actually means them. Which is weird. This is his Shadow. Shouldn’t it want him dead?

It’s as if it actually reads his thoughts. “I don’t want you dead. Not at the moment. I mainly just want a word with you, and you were kinda ignoring me again.” It stares off into the distance, sighs heavily, and stares meaningfully.

“Okay, what’s your beef with me this time?” He might as well ask why he might die tonight.

The Shadow snorts. “Beef? Who am I, Chie?” Another uncharacteristic pause. It lasts long enough to make Yosuke nervous, but continuing to stand is getting a little difficult, especially considering the fact that he’s a little cold now, so he squats carefully, ready to jump up and run, if necessary. “And you call me a monster,” he snorts.

By this point, Yosuke is tired, cold, and not willing to put up with his Shadow’s antics. He might die any minute. The least his Shadow could do is actually tell him what’s going on. “You want to talk to me, talk to me.”

His Shadow fixes him with a stare and immediately stops his nervous manner. “Do you love Souji…or Her?”

For a moment, Yosuke’s brain can’t even wrap around that question. Then it does, somewhat. Okay, he’s not sure he knows who Her is, though his Shadow clearly expects him to know, but it’s clear his Shadow is questioning his relationship with his Partner. “How could you even…?”

“Ask that?” his Shadow finishes smoothly. “And no, Her isn’t Saki. Not anymore. It’s Risette. Yeah, you’re right. I shouldn’t be able to ask that. The thought shouldn’t even cross my mind.” It pauses, then continues. “Souji’s asking that question, right now. He’s been asking it for days. You’ve been pulling away from him, distancing yourself, and right when he needs you most.”

Immediately, Yosuke’s taken aback. He didn’t see this coming, but then, of course he didn’t, if this self-hatred had been boiling up silently all this time. “He doesn’t want me around all the time!” he yells, and instantly the silence falls. Neither of them had been expecting that, it seemed. Suddenly there are tears in his eyes that he can’t remember having given permission to appear. “I-I’m not worth his affection or-or whatever, and I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m always waiting for him to come to his senses and leave me behind. He’s going to do it anyway. He’s only here for a year. I’m annoying, even to myself. I’m not the one he needs.”

“See, this is why Souji was jealous,” his Shadow taunts. “You take every damn word out of her mouth as gospel. Going on about how you’re ‘actually useful in a fight? No way!’”

The viciousness strikes Yosuke dumb. He fights down the urge to deny it. He knows what’ll happen if he does. “Her flirting with you, too. The fact that she’s practically hanging all over the guy every time she sees him. She doesn’t deserve a guy like him. No, not the oh-so-perfect Risette.” The Shadow mocks the higher-pitched voice of Rise, with the spite Yosuke remembers somewhere in the back of his mind. He’s capable of this, which is terrifying, and he really wants to turn away, to pretend that this isn’t the truth, this isn’t me, but…

But it noticed Souji hurting. His own partner. He hadn’t noticed, but his Shadow had. Some boyfriend he is.

“She’s scaring him, hurting him, and you’ve seen that—I’ve seen that, but you’ve just let her have her way with him, haven’t you? You can’t bear to disappoint her, even if it means breaking your boyfriend’s heart. You flirt with her every chance you get. You’re too busy drooling over her like a good little lapdog that you don’t realize he’s slowly dying inside. Your precious partner, and you’re practically ignoring him. And he’s a guy whose Shadow just manifested. Remember how clingy you were? He’s vulnerable right now. He’s just crap at expressing that. And you’re a petty, insecure, sniveling little brat complaining about everything that can’t even give his boyfriend two seconds of his time.”

It blindsides him, strikes him dumb. He wants to deny it, wants to say everything’s completely fine, but if his Shadow’s this emotional about it this didn’t come from nowhere. He’s heard these words, or something to their extent, from the Shadow wearing his Partner’s face. It’s different to hear those words from himself. Or a facet of himself, anyway.

He thinks back to the past days. It didn’t seem like that long, but really, it has been, hasn’t it? Since they rescued Rise. He has been acting a little distant, huh. The ever-growing disapproval from Souji, who usually doesn’t judge, about his teasing. Yeah, Kanji and Naoto don’t seem to be taking it the way he intends, do they. Or the whole fiasco of the pageant. Souji actually yelled about it, since the girls had insisted that he was just as big of a perv. It’s weird for Stoic Seta to lose his temper, especially about something like that. Souji’s been pretty cold toward Rise, too. She doesn’t seem to get a hint, but Yosuke’s brain has trouble wrapping itself around the concept that anyone wouldn’t be overjoyed by teenage idols flirting with them. There’s a sad look in Souji’s eyes now that just hovers, never fully goes away. Yosuke begins reaching for his phone, wanting to get a second opinion, when he suddenly remembers he’s in pajamas. And he’s in the TV world, so it’s not like he could contact anyone anyway.

His Shadow continues, sneering. “He loves you—oh, you’re blushing like a schoolgirl. What, did I say a naughty word?”

Souji had never said it. But then again, it was early in their relationship, and if the Souji who had everyone in Inaba falling for him was insecure enough because Yosuke was a dumbass who couldn’t actually live up to his promises… “Do you love him?”

“What?” His Shadow is shocked by the question. It stares at him with yellow eyes suddenly not full of malice, but of confusion. It’s having trouble forming a proper response, let alone understanding the question.

Yosuke does him a favor, repeating the question, this time with determination. “Do you love him?”

“Why do you think you’re still alive?” It’s sidestepping the question, but it’s blushing. It’s weird to see that on a doppelganger that’s tried to kill him in the past, but Hanamura suddenly finds himself feeling compassion for his Shadow. Which was maybe another good step toward accepting his Shadow. “If I killed you, Souji would be upset. I don’t want to see him upset. Which, let’s be frank, is a little weird for a Shadow. I mean, I tried pretty hard to kill him the first time we met.”

Yosuke laughs. It’s weird to feel this relieved when he’s still in the middle of the TV World, with his Shadow and no protection to speak of, but his heart really does feel lighter. His Shadow glares at him quizzically. It’s blushing harder now, which is still kind of funny, but he explains anyway. “If I’ve been repressing it…”

“You know, for someone whose brain is filled with crap, you’re kinda intelligent.” It’s admiring. Grudgingly so, but still.

“Okay, I’ve got to make things right. Which means we gotta get out of here. Lead the way, me.” He considers asking for one of the shadow daggers, but probably couldn’t use it anyway.

It snorts. “I don’t have Ted’s nose. Hence, the bad plan part of this program.”

Hanamura refuses to let his Shadow dampen the mood. “We’ll find a way out. It’s for our Partner, after all.”

His Shadow wants to argue. Of course it does; it’s him, after all. But it doesn’t actually say anything, picking a direction at random and heading off in that direction.

It turns out few Shadows attack outside of the dungeons. And it turns out that Yosuke’s Shadow is actually being sincere, since it actively throws itself in harm’s way to protect its human self. It also manages to summon Jiraiya, if a weird, kind of twisted version that gives Yosuke a headache. But then, if he makes it through this, he’s not complaining.

Well, he is. Probably. But not about that. Given that he has no weapons, armor, medicine, or anything else, let alone the glasses for the fog, a headache is the most unscathed he’s probably making it out of this.

Eventually, after what feels like hours, the two of them end up climbing up a few familiar-looking sets of stairs. He’s not sure how long it’s really been, or how long it’s been outside, since time seems to work differently in the TV World and the real world. Sometimes it seems a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter. It’s great seeing the industrial look and the metal ladders that lead nowhere and the spotlights that never turn on. Not that the Investigation Team have ended up here, precisely, before. But it’s a good sign, because only the area near the Junes entrance has that TV studio look. He’s just glad that he asked Teddie to leave the televisions out on this side, just in case someone accidentally fell in or whatever. Being stuck in the entrance, however safe, until everyone came for him would really suck. Among other things, it’d be really hard to explain.

“Thanks, man.” He’s surprised to find he really means it. From the Shadow’s expression, it’s just as surprised, and a little uncomfortable. Outside of a general antagonistic relationship, they don’t really know how to interact with each other, do they? Maybe it’s time that changed.

Eventually it shifts from foot to foot, scowling at its shadowy tennis shoes. “Anything for Partner, right?”

“Including kidnapping part of your consciousness for a long-overdue chat.” Yosuke’s really cheerful right now. Maybe it’s a little bit of adrenaline. That, and suddenly there’s a weight gone from his shoulders.

“You’re stark raving mad,” his other self informs him flatly. “I worry about you sometimes, you damn idiot. Like how you haven’t managed to get yourself killed already.” If he’s not mistaken, there’s a hint of fondness in that tone. Just a hint, but it’s enough.

The night’s events catch up with him, and he yawns widely. He can feel the Shadow starting to disappear, sort of. Except it’s just disappearing from this world, slotting back into his consciousness somehow in a way that feels at once a little weird but not uncomfortable. His Shadow has a few words for him before he goes though. “And if you hurt him too bad…I will kill you.” The last sounds more like an echo than an actual person saying it, but then, it’d disappeared into his brain by then.

He nods, and stumbles out of the television, half asleep already, but at least the fog was gone. He manages somehow to get home, and is about to collapse on his bed before he remembers something. Teddie. His Shadow never had answered that question, had he?

He forces himself up and goes to the closet door, which is slightly ajar. He finds a slumbering bear inside, covered in the remains of a melting Topsicle.

“Damn bear,” he mumbles and stumbles back to bed. He can clean that mess—and the bigger mess with Souji—tomorrow.

And for once, he’s actually looking forward to it.

The next day: madimpossibledreamer.dreamwidth.org/20279.html