Devil May Questionnaire, Part III

[madimpossibledreamer]

Main Points:
Buffy/Devil May Cry Fusion, Buffy AU
Chapter Summary: Xander answers some questionnaire questions.
Word Count: 1411
Rating: Gen
Warning: Potential story spoilers ahead.
Credit: Questions taken from https://oc-development-questions.tumblr.com/.

 

Yellow - Are you an optimist or a pessimist? 
…Neither?  And/or both?  I can definitely be cynical; the things I see are pretty dark, and I do tend to be pretty good at reading people and judging situations for what they really are, but my friends tell me I’m really naïve sometimes.  They find it really weird.  I’m just kind of amused by it?

Dandelion - Would you consider yourself stubborn? 
Again.  Have you met me?

Marigold - What types of flowers are in your setting? Do you have a favorite?
Normal flowers?  Are there non-normal flowers where you live?  (Besides the corpse flowers.  They’re interesting, but also I’ve never had to smell one, so I might change my tune pretty quick.  Also I think there are demonic and Fae flowers, but those mostly grow in alternate dimensions that I haven’t been to and therefore haven’t seen any.)
As for the other…well, it might not be quite my color, but camas lilies are really pretty.  Cherry blossoms smell the best.

Blonde - What is your hair color? do you like it?
Brown.  It doesn’t really stand out, but then, it might be good if I kinda don’t stand out?

Lemon - Are you more of a clean or dirty person?
I only take care of my clothes and weapons.  Priorities with which Buffy agrees 100%.  Everything else ends up wherever I end up putting it.  My room just keeps getting messier over time because I’ve had years to pick up belongings.  If you’re talking whether I take showers, though, yeah, I do.

Safety - What is the most traumatic experience in your life?
/starts laughing maniacally
Yeah, okay.  So.  It’s probably…this is gonna be hard to talk about, and I try not to think about it. 
I…I had this best friend named Jesse.  He died.  By my hand, but it was necessary.  Like putting down a rabid dog.  He’d been vamped.  I’ve met some decent vamps since then—like Spike, though he’s a ghost now.  I’ll go with his explanation that some people just don’t deal well with being vamped.  And maybe, if he was more mature, if he didn’t have as immature of—
I don’t even know.
I try not to think about it, which means in my darkest moments, when I’m scared or confused or lost, I think about it all the time.  What it’d have been like if he hadn’t been vamped until he was an adult.  What I’d have been like, if I’d been vamped.  I…I hate to think about it, but I’d probably be the same.  Worse.
I haven’t told Willow, about how bad it was.  About most of it really.  I don’t even remember if I told her about what he did, just that he was a vampire and out of control and I had to kill him.
It haunts me.  Sometimes, I wonder if I’m not with Kryvi because he’s a ghost, and yes, we can get physical, specifically when we have a threesome with someone living, but he always has to get permission, both from me and from the other person, so it’s not like he can be spontaneous or surprise me, and there’s…there’s a safety in that, a reassurance.
I’ve gotten better with touch.  Fortunately, I’d gotten enough before we actually tried anything, so I didn’t jump through the ceiling.
Goddess, I’m messed up.
I did nearly lose it when we’d investigated the nightclub and people just kept touching me and it’s a good thing I didn’t have Kryvi with me at the time or I might’ve beheaded people.  I’m glad Buff and Will were in there to look out for each other because I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I had to go outside for some air.
For the longest time, I couldn’t handle teasing touches. Reassuring ones, yeah.  It’s part of how Kryvi got so close to me—he knew to be reassuring, with hugs and the like, not immediately go for the relationship type stuff (even if that’s probably his endgame).  It seems weird that I would fall in love with a guy so soon after a guy, you know, did that, but to me it made sense.  Healing things that had happened, like Jesse’s undoing what he did.  Like it didn’t happen in the first place.
And the creepy thing, the really creepy thing, is that Jesse really did love us.  Maybe more than either of us realized at the time.  He really did want us to be with him forever, and yeah, if we’d both been vamped, it would’ve been fine.  We would’ve appreciated it, because as a demon, your view of the world is different.
Buffy knows.  She’s seen how I treat other…other people like me, who have lived through similar, bad circumstances.  Alisha knows, but then, she’s a cop, she’s used to looking for people who are wounded.
Jesse’s love got twisted.  Like everything a demon touches.  Well, no, that’s not entirely accurate—my devil side isn’t quite like that.  And I know some perfectly nice demons.  Vampire’s demons do tend to have issues, especially when they first wake up.  Maybe it’s the fact that they don’t get to grow up.  They’re just suddenly there, fully grown, and have no concept of subtlety.
It took me a little while to realize that he’d, y’know, messed with me before, but he probably didn’t have the confidence and hadn’t realized what he was doing.  And it wasn’t quite as creepy, because, y’know, we were just fooling around.  I didn’t say ‘no’.  I didn’t even think it.  I was cool with it.  Maybe I’d had a crush and maybe he’d had a crush and maybe the two of us were just blind.  And potentially dumb.  It’s not like it came out of the blue.  I just hadn’t seen it.
Maybe Willow has a right to know, but I also…I was the one who killed him.  It was necessary, but…she still remembers him, y’know, as he was, and she deserves that.  And I don’t want her to look at me differently, not when she’s the only one who remembers me from before.
I do have a therapist, a half-empath demon, now.  Basically, I just show up, I yammer about random stuff, she doesn’t say anything, and I feel better about it.  The others don’t know.  I meet a lot of contacts they don’t always know about.

Gold - Would you consider yourself more rich or poor, in comparison to the world you live in?
Poor, relatively speaking.  I do get paid now, but that doesn’t last too long.  I let Buff and Will and even G-man have it, because they feel weird about me using my powers.  I can steal practically anything I want, though, so I don’t want for much.  In return, the shop or person has good luck.  They don’t notice me doing stuff.  So…personally, I’m fine.  Other people might consider me poor.  /shrugs

Butterscotch - Is there candy in the world you live in? If so, do you have a favorite one? 
Oh.  Oh boy.  Depends on my mood.  I absolutely love chocolate, but can’t always taste how good it is.  Sometimes I’ll just have the spicy kinds, like jalapeño, because at least I can taste that.  When I’m close to my DT form, I eat a ton of tamarind candy.  I also after my transformation became a little obsessed with milk, so, there’s dulce de leche, White Rabbit, Leche Quemada…
Yeah, okay, so the girls kinda lost me for a bit when we visited Mexico.

Daffodil - Do you like trying new things? What is something new you’d like to try?
Totally.  I’m curious about skydiving.  I haven’t learned to fly yet, even if I do have wings.  I don’t think they’re fully formed, yet.  I don’t know about the growth timeline of Pashran.

Sunshine - Are you a more active or lazy person? 
…Both??  I’m totally okay with lazing around, though if I do it too long I get antsy.  I guess it’s like…if I try hard enough, my willpower’s strong enough to allow me to do an overnight lookout, but I really have to try.  Honestly if it was a little more pronounced I might think bipolar (that’s been thrown at me, but that’s one of the few things my therapist has said, refuting that).